Case Of The Mondays

COTM | What Now?!

2008-02-25T10:55:00.001-06:00

Snappy Swinter Wonderland - is it spring yet?! Sheesh!

The Oscars & after parties were quite the sha-bang huh? Glitz, glamour, glory and what-not. Starlets and legends. Class & Style...

...Who am I kidding, I didn't watch one moment of it all. There were two Law & Order marathons on and I took full advantage. I must admit, I was seriously conflicted [SVU on USA and Criminal Intent on Bravo]. I hope I never have to make a decision like that ever again. Really, it stressed me out.

You know what else is stressin' me out? Glad you asked - so I'm sitting here at Luther Westside Volkswagon. Once again I received a postcard in the mail saying "something" in/on my car was recalled and I need to bring my car in. I'm gonna need for them to get it right the first time - like when they're building the car in "Germany" [Read: Brazil]. Well here I am waiting on my car [his name is Merc by the way]. Let's do a play-by-play shall we?

8:30 AM: I drive Merc the service center. They tell me my brake lights were recalled and they'll replace them [good...'cause I kind of need those]. I head to the "Business Center."

9:00 AM: My service guy tells me I need my windshield wipers replaced [which I knew b/c I requested it when I walked in, but who's listening right?] That'll be like $12 plus "labor" [not bad...looks like I can pay cash for my car service today.]

9:30 AM: Just as I suspected, my brake pads are worn down. $57.65 for all 4 and $93.16 for 2 rotors [ok...well...debit card today...I budgeted for this...wait for it]...and $220 for labor. [Ay Caramba! What kind of "labor" are we working with here?! It can't possibly be more labor than childbirth, and those women don't even get paid!...usually.This mess is going on credit.]

10:00 AM: My new found enemy [service guy] says that there's a fee for regular maintenance. It's usually $86 but they recently reduced the price. So this time, it's only $80. Today is truly my lucky day - $6 in savings. Drinks on me. I give my service guy the evil side-eye and walk away. They know me here as "the chick that knows too much about her car and knows when she's getting ripped-off" and they still pulled this mess.

10:30 AM: I'm Googling the $#$&)#! out for some "Volkswagen Service Coupons".

I can't wait for 11:00 AM. Really, I can't. They'll probably tell me I need to get my engine, battery, and wheels replaced too. My advice for the week? Use Public Transportation! It's cheaper, greener, and funner...yeah, I said funner.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - who knew Mike Huckabee could be such a comedian?! "Uh-oh! That's not good news. You know Seth, I was counting on those Super Delegates..."

COTM | Sweet Home Alabama

2008-02-18T08:07:00.007-06:00

Snappy Sweet Home Alabama! It's Monday! Happy President's Day y'all. Who's at work? I may not celebrate President's day, but I'd like to have the option ya know? If I had the day off I'd totally commemorate the holiday by spending some Washingtons, Lincolns & Jacksons at the mall [I'm not quite big-time like you guys].

Well I just got back from Montgomery, AL - that's right, I actually broke my personal oath to never go to Alabama or Mississippi [my apologies if that's where your family lineage leads you]. Even I have family down there and have always refused to visit. Now? I'll consider it. Montgomery is a quaint, historic and lovely town...somewhat untouched by modern day society yet emancipated from its 1960s persona. Nevertheless I couldn't find a restaurant to save my life [Red Lobsters & Sonics aside]. I was down there presenting at a conference and had the chance to meet some interesting people. I could explain all of my encounters to you, but I think my time in Montgomery is best described in quotes taken out of context. Enjoy a few highlights of my trip...

Lovely older lady I sat next to on the plane while talking about relationships, family, Hurricane Katrina, church and...sin: "Honey, some of these young ladies your age are...." her voice drops to a whisper... "you know...living in sin! ...sharing a home with their boyfriends!" And I replied with, "NO!" And then I put a bunch of you on blast and said, "you know...to be honest...I have some friends who are living in sin right now...mmhmm...yes ma'am."

Young man on the hotel elevator: "Happy Balentines Day. Ay...whatcho nayyyme is?" He looked kind of like this...and so did his friend. Matter fact, most of the young men in Montgomery looked like Soulja Boy. Mmm...Montgomery's finest. Not a Kenneth Cole dress shoe in site with this age group.

Me to Clarence Otis, Jr. - Chairman & CEO of Darden Restaurants [Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Capital Grill...]: "Mr. Otis, that was a wonderful speech. You know, when I spoke to the college kids yesterday I emphasized education and would love to interview you in the future. But really though, what I'd really like to know is the recipe for those cheddar biscuits." And then I slipped him my business card and said to him and his publicist, "...e-mail it to me when you get a chance. I won't tell a soul. Pleasure meeting you." Then I walked away. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm so for real.

[Same lovely lady from my plane-ride when I ran into her again at the hotel]: "You know, when we were at baggage claim I saw the driver with your name on a sign and I said to my husband, 'that's Anna - the young lady I sat next to on the plane...and I think that's her last name!' Well then my husband said to me, 'that's not the same Anna - that name on the sign is a Hispanic name!' " ...blink...blink...And then I replied, "yup! That was me...with the 'Hispanic' name on the sign!" I mean, do we really know our history?! lol.

Hotel staff member discussing children: "Well....I have one girl now. If I have another girl I'm going to name her Obvious. I just really like the word." I thought about responding with, 'well...I really like the word metacognition but I don't think I'm going to name my first daughter that." Fact of the matter is she was a really sweet girl. Actually grown woman since she's 24, so I don't want to get on her case too much. I'd tell you the names of the other staff member's kids, but I don't want to publicly put them all on blizz like that. So ask me in person...it gets better [or worse depending on how you look at it].

Hotel registration staff lady when I requested wireless internet: "Ok...so....do you need me to get you the chords or do you have them with you?" I replied with, "wireless Internet. I just need access to wireless Internet. Access code?" She replied with, "I know - but do you need the chords for the wireless Internet?" I replied with, "sigh...no thanks. I have the chords."

"Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am": Everyone in Montgomery - I can get used to this Southern hospitality! [minus the "ma'am"] My lil bro Chris looked at me sideways when I opened the door for myself. He was all, "you know you're not supposed to do that here." I'm just not used to the chivalry! The Midwest is all "every man for himself" compared to the South!

I've got stories for days. I had a great time. My advice on this historic President's Day - don't let preconceived notions stop you from learning more about your history, traveling to new places and meeting new people. If you do, you may just miss out on a fun and interesting experience.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - yup, that's our president. And my absolute favorite [which I was actually in the audience for in DC a few years back] is his wonderful explanation of Tribal Sovereignty.

COTM | Pina Coladas

2008-02-11T11:55:00.000-06:00

Snap-a-colada! It's Monday!

Who needs a tropical vacation?! So last night I got back from New Mexico [lovely combination of crisp air, a bit of snow, and sun]...and when I landed in the Twin Cities it was about 5 degrees below zero - which isn't too bad if your heat works...but apparently mine doesn't [I know what you're thinking and yes I paid my bill...hater]...

Matter fact, my loft was 50 degrees when I walked in and a cozy 53 degrees when I woke up this morning from my frigid slumber. My building super brought me a space heater which I used to create a warm fort - along with a dining room chair, my couch, and my ottoman. And even though it read: "caution, do not cover or place items on heater" I most definitely slept on the space heater like it was a mattress. And now my legs look like a McGriddle, but that's neither here nor there.

Here go a few clues that you need a tropical vaca to get away from the cold weather...and for some of you, cold co-workers. If you've "lost" any one of these 3 crucial sensibilities, you just may need a Hawaiian Tropics vacation STAT! ...

Style: It's really not OK to show up to work in sweats, Uggs and a ski mask. It may "feel right," given the North Pole-esque weather, but you've simply gotten too comfortable and you really need to snap out of it.

Reason: I was at the MSP airport on Friday and as I passed the shoe shining area one of the shoe shiners tried to holla at me....and I actually considered stopping to talk with him. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against shoe shining as a profession - and this guy was a good 50 years younger than the last shoe shiner that tried to get @ me [yes, this is pretty much a routine at the MSP airport]. I think it's what he called me that turned me away. Something along the lines of "ayyyy-shawtaay..." And I was actually gonna stop! Get it....together.

That Lovin' Feeling: Have you lost it? When your co-worker asked you for those TPS reports last week, did you throw a Swingline Stapler at his head? When your boss asked you how your day is going did you stare, blink, stare and then walk-away without saying a word? Stop...think about it.

Sometimes we get so consumed in work and school that we forget to make time for ourselves - time for fun! And then we just go loopy. This week, plan a "vacation" - tropical, mental, whatever! Go to a concert, plan a road trip, check-out a new restaurant and if you're a baller, go to Belize or somethin' [you can send a ticket to my home address, thx].

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - this movie will never get old [nsfw - language]. "Sounds like somebody has a Case of the Mondays!"

COTM | Super Duper Tuesday!

2008-02-04T11:00:00.000-06:00

Snappy Super Duper Tuesday....it's Monday!

Somebody L'eggo my Eggo and get me some Mrs. Butterworth's - I don't know what to do with myself this morning! Do you know what tomorrow is?! Do you have any clue what tomorrow means for the happiness and welfare of the United States?! Do you know what you have to do tomorrow?! February 5th is a day that will go down in history because February 5th is....

...the release of Taylor Dayne's new album Satisfied! Somebody get me another Eggo and some Aunt Jemima this time - I've been waiting for this moment since 1989. Oh I know what you're thinking, "Tell it to My Heart" was the JAM in '88, but no - you all are clearly sleepin' on "Love Will Lead You Back" - I played that at like 3 piano recitals and 5 talent shows no doubt. I didn't really master it until '91, but who's really keeping track. And don't get me started on "With Every Beat of my Heart." Hmm... I feel like I'm missing something.

...Oh yeah, and Super Tuesday is tomorrow. I'm sure I don't need to give you any incentives for coppin' the new Taylor Dayne Album...but Super Tuesday may require a bit of convincing so here goes. 5 reasons why you need to vote on the 5th - Super Tuesday [if it's poppin' in your state]...

Knowledge: Let's be honest. You didn't know what Super Tuesday was until this election huh? You thought it meant 99 cent video rentals at Blockbuster didn't you? It's ok. How were we supposed to know the difference? We've been able to rent videos longer than we've been able to vote! Well now you know, so vote.

Must See TV: Come on - don't you want to see how this one turns out? I'm more excited for Super Tuesday than I was for yesterday's Super Bowl. This is just as good as NBC Must See TV in the early '90s.Except Dwayne-Wayne and Whitley are no where in site.

The View: If you don't vote, then you you don't have the right to complain for the next year. Because according to Sherri Shepherd [co-host of The View] the presidential term is 1 year. Oh - and she also thinks the Earth is flat and no one existed before Jesus.

The Ads: More ads! If you vote, they're sure to come. Let's find out what folks truly stand for. Education or campaign smearing?! Health care or character defamation?! Vote for me 'cause I'm the 57th richest person in America. My name is Ross Perot and I can buy the United States. Oh, and I approve this message. BTW - where is that man?

Privilege: Voting is not a given right in some countries. And even with the ability to vote, that doesn't mean that the outcome will be fair. I guess that's happened in the U.S. too but you get my point.

My advice? Vote! Simple as 1-2-3 Jell-O. And to be honest, it's just as tasty. Have you tasted voting before? Delish.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - I don't know why I'm giving her such a hard time. OK I know. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she made her first couple snafus, but now it's just gotten out of hand.

COTM | Tax Time!

2008-01-28T12:34:00.000-06:00

Snip-Snax - get that Tax!

I know what's on your mind. I know you're thinking about next week and all the joys it may bring, but I need to redirect your thoughts. Oh sure, you're thinking about your chances of winning the MSNBC "Make Your Own Super Tuesday Political Campaign Ad", but I'm here to tell you that you lost because you forgot to play Josh Groban in the background and you carelessly left out the illustrious American Flag...so let's move on together shall we? Did I mention you didn't have any "African Children" [no specific country listed, just the entire continent it seems] singing along with Josh Groban? You should really try harder next time. No worries - there's always 2012.

So let's refocus for a moment and talk about what you've neglected for so long...your taxes! I know - it's a hassle, but ya gotsta do 'em! Let me give you some incentives. Here go a couple reasons why you should do your taxes...

Lemme Hold a Dolla!: According to my boys Henry & Richard Bloch [known to you as H & R Block], 43 million Americans [1/3] didn't have to pay taxes after all deductions and credits. You may be one of 'em! I hope they take coupons!

Pay Me!: Better yet, you might just get a refund. Matter 'fact, you could be getting that coveted $600 rebate in May. Buzz kill: If you make less than $3K/yr, are ridiculously wealthy, or on Social Security...well...way to be a team player but you don't make the cut. Lo siento!

They're Watching You: The IRS audits about 1% of tax returns it receives every year. If you don't do 'em this year, me thinks they'd find a way to squeeze you into that 1%....even without your tax return.

Tax Breaks: Some of you are doing big things and going green. For this, you can get a tax break! Yup! That sexy [not really] hybrid car that you bought last year?! Tax break! Geo-thermal heat pump? Break! Solar water heater? Cha-Ching!

Ummm...: Yeah...it's probably the right thing to do. So until you make that move Bahrain [you can live with Michael Jackson!], Monaco, Vanuatu - or other tax havens, you'll be paying personal income tax.

I'm usually not a strong proponent of "the man," but all of this recent political coverage has me doing the right thing lately. Blast! So here's my advice for the week. Gather you materials to do your taxes [you don't have to do them this week...I know I'm not] and then once you do that, you can get back to all the political goodness!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - hey, for $25,000 I would have done this rap in Portuguese.

COTM | MLK Day!

2008-01-21T09:45:00.000-06:00

Snappy Martin Luther King Day!

OK, raise your hand if you have to work today....yup....just as I suspected. Most of you guys are at work! Whatever happened to taking the day off and remembering one of history's most influential people? When I was little we spent the entire day celebrating, educating, and remembering. When I was in Middle School we had a half day of school and that first half included some sort of Martin Luther King festivity. In college we had MLK luncheons, speakers series...and ski trips [I know...this one I could have left out]. And now I'm lucky if I hear "We Shall Overcome" being hummed on the street. I mean - I haven't even seen that cheesy McDonald's commercial with the birthday cake and blazing candles for Dr. King. For some reason it's so prominent as a student but not as a working professional. Well no worries - I have some ideas for all of you at work today...and some of you who don't have to work but would still like to remember this amazing man ...

Serve: "Everybody can be great because everybody can serve" [MLK]. Find a service opportunity in your area - or create one. You don't have to go out and build a house today [maybe tomorrow??]. Just do something small that will make a big difference.

Share:When I was in second grade we had to write an essay about what MLK means to us. I look back at that and think how great it would be to do that today [verbally of course, I'm SO over essays]. Talk to your friends and family about what he, his mission, and his family mean to you. Better yet - find a child to talk to - it's all about perspective and they're looking for it.

Remember: Even if you work from 7 am to 7pm, find a few moments to remember the life, teachings, and influence of Dr. King. Read an excerpt, watch a video of one of his speeches, identify his presence in yourself and those around you.

Celebrate: We all live throughout the United States, but each State has an official MLK celebration somewhere. For example, Tavis Smiley is at the Mpls Convention Center right now. Find a luncheon, parade, lecture ... something!

Live: A couple years ago I had the chance to spend an afternoon with Yolanda King [when I was @ NBC]. Hearing about MLK from his own daughter was amazing to say the least, but hearing about how we all play a role in the human family was inspirational. Live in the human family ...think about it.

Whatever you do today, take a few moments to think about what today is all about. Then, think about what you're going to do to add to this great legacy...and then do it!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week! And Happy MLK Day!

p.s: Here's your MOS - so when I was little, I thought my Dad was Dr. King. He had this graduation picture from Med School that I compared to a picture of MLK and I was convinced they were the same person...or at least brothers. Very confusing time for me...

p.p.s: Check out the Google Image today. Love it!

COTM | Awards Shows

2008-01-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

Snizzle Snazzle and all that Razzles - It's Monday!

So did anyone catch the Golden Globes last night? Oh, that's right. The Writer's Strike has Hollywood on lock! The 65th Annual Golden Globes was reduced to a press conference and Dateline junkets. Times are hard in Hollywood - they had to skip the pomp [ the red carpet ] and circumstance [$50,000 gowns] and get straight to the point [ the "winners"]...hmm...I could get used to this! Pretty soon they'll be texting the results with links to the actors' IMDB

I've never really been into awards shows. Unless they have to do with music, in which case I'm SO there. Maybe I refrain from watching because I think they're a bit biased [umm....how come The Kite Runner and Love in the Time of Cholera didn't win anything?! Not even for their music compositions?!] Maybe I don't watch 'em because they're like 3 days long. And I just ain't got time for that - unless it's a 3-day Law & Order marathon in which case I'm totally committed.

Golden Globes? Booorrring. Academy Awards? Yaaawwn. People's Choice Awards? Didn't chose ME. Let's make up our own awards shall we?!
profiles.

Adult Content in Cartoon Form Awards: The Boondocks, Family Guy, Afro Samurai, South Park, The Simpsons - they all deserve their own venue, truly. And yes - I said Afro Samurai. I borrowed the DVD from my Dad if anyone wants to watch it.

Best & Worst Pick-Up Lines Awards: We can start with Chocolate Twankies and end with one of these. "Let's make like fabric softener and Snuggle"??? Wow. Just...wow.

The Cool Politician Awards: This one would be based on a combination of fashion sense, dance ability, knowledge of pop culture, and of course - foreign & domestic policy.

Video Vixen Awards: You can rename this as you see fit. Those girls put in "work" and all they have to show for it is a 1-hour VH1 special on "Video Honeys." Fooorrr shame.

Best Food in the Whole Wide World Awards: this one just gives me a reason to eat....a lot. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich - no mayo!

Lately it seems like movies, shows & music are made for notoriety & fame instead of goodness & entertainment. My advice for the week? Do something award-worthy - out of the goodness of your heart. You may not win a fancy-shmancy statue, but you'll probably win some appreciation from those around you.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS [nsfw] - and we haven't heard from Isaiah Washington since. Looks like he may have to go back to " African-American Cinema."

COTM | Best of the Holiday Goodness

2008-01-07T12:00:00.000-06:00

Oh Snap! Snapalicious! Snap-o-rama! Snapple-Doodle-Doo! Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's the first Monday of the year!

Welcome back folks, welcome back. Did you miss me? Um...no...it's not a trick question. You're supposed to say yes. Really. Just tell me ya love me! Sigh.

So what'd you do for the holidays? Eat a lot? Spend all your money?! Go spelunking? Well I figured I should let you take a peak into the funny highlights of my holiday season. Here's my top ten in no particular order...

I had to pick myself up off the floor after watching David Gregory do a MEAN two step on the Today Show to Mary J. Blige. He and Obama have an open invitation to any and all of my future parties.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you blog every Monday, in which case all stories are fair game. Ran into Kathy & Rick Hilton in an elevator [no joke, nice folks] and discussed Allen Iverson [b/c we had just seen him at the hotel casino]. My friend and I also explained to Mrs. Hilton that the man in the pimp suit she saw wasn't Snoop Dog. It was just an impersonator who clearly fooled several tourists...and her.

I watched this video at least 100 times. OK, 200 times.

Baby Gives The Evil Eye - Watch more free videos

You got me, 300 times.

My dad saw the Beyonce DirecTV Upgrade commercial and proclaimed, "What's her name again? Beyonce?...yeah...that's the girl that called me last night."

I had to work. Hilarious, no?

I witnessed Mariah Carey [or to you fans out there, Mimi] catch a cold on New Years - via TV.

I watched more mindless television than I've watched since spring break '87.

I wore sweats for like, 3 days straight [yes, I showered in between...no, I wasn't playing ping-pong...but kind of wish I was].

My niece and I baked about...oh....a gagillion break and bake cookies . And ate them all. And then we each ate about a pint of Haagen Daaz sorbet. And all this after going out for Thai. This was just the first night she was in town. And now, this is what I look like...foxxxxaaayy!

Overall, it was a great holiday season spent with my favs: family, friends, & food, lol. A great way to end 2007 and start 2008. My advice for the week? Reminisce on the good times you've had and create a bunch of new ones. Laugh a little!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - for the love of pink eyeshadow. Is that the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast?! And why are the lyrics so depressing? Sheesh! Lighten up!

COTM | Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T12:23:00.000-06:00

Snappy New Year!

Give your loved ones the silly side eye and wish them the best in 2008! You all deserve the best in the new year! Love ya!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Once again...you shouldn't be reading this....because that may mean you're working! Stop working!

COTM | Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T15:01:00.000-06:00

Snappy Holidays!

Give your family and friends a big hug and tell 'em you love 'em! And give 'em a hug for me too ;-)

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Wait...you shouldn't be reading this....because that may mean you're working! Stop working!

COTM | Ab-Fabs '07

2007-12-10T14:00:00.000-06:00

Snappy Tomato Pizza - It's Monday! Thank ya for the birthday wishes last week! And a super-duper thank you to the Stanford '03 gals who donated a digital camera to Free Arts Minnesota in my name - the kids will LOVE IT! For those of you that tried to get a hold of me at work that day....well...you shoulda known better. I was no where near my job. Otay, moving riiigghht along... Well, this year has been full of off-the-wall stories. I'm sure that you all have read a few here and there, but I thought I'd compile a list of my ab-fabs. This will certainly keep you entertained...

Ha Ha Ha! Merry Christmas! : Santas in Australia have been asked to say "Ha Ha Ha" because "Ho Ho Ho" may be offensive to women. Own the word ladies, don't let the word own you!

$54,000 Scotch: Um....I'll take rail, thanks. Wait...I don't even drink scotch.

Senator Biden on Senator Obama: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man." Really Joe? "Articulate"?..."Clean"? Were there no other adjectives in your vocab that day? Was Jesse Jackson not clean? Al Sharpton? No?...

Stolen Greeting Cards : So Mr. Postman stole greeting cards and took the money that was inside. Smart man. If he was really smart, he'd steal a credit card and gank someone's identity. I'm just sayin. If you're gonna do it, do it right. $50 birthday check or $5000 credit limit? Amateur.

Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen?: Your eyes are not deceiving you. This is the name of a TV show that hopes to get picked-up by a network. It works like this: 1) Guy is illegal immigrant. 2) Guy meets "American" Girl. 3) Guy and Girl "fall in love." 4) Guy marries Girl and gets Green Card. And if I may add, 5) Guy and Girl go to jail for fraudulent marriage.

Andre J: I can't believe he made the cover of Paris Vogue. Wait. I take that back. I can't believe he made it in the New York Times !

Virgin Atlantic Safety Video: Um....I really don't know what to say. This video creeps me out a little. Actually, it creeps me out a lot. I can't stand the Heathrow Airport. So if I was on a flight from the U.S. to Heathrow and this video played?! Well....lets just say you wouldn't want to be the one sitting next to me.

Diamond Skull: I'm sorry what was that? "A platinum cast of a human skull encrusted with 8,601 diamonds" you say? Bought for $100 Million? You see, this is the kind of @&#!$!* that makes me angry.

This stuff is just too good to make up folks. So what's your funny story? My advice to you is to make one up...and live it! Life's too short for it to be boring too. Just make sure someone is nearby with a camera. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - ouch! He's gonna feel that tomorrow...or today.

p.p.s: If any of you would like to know more about Free Arts Minnesota, just get at me. It's a phenomenal organization that is near and dear to me.

COTM | Holiday Fun

2007-12-03T01:15:00.000-06:00

Snappy Holidays! It's Monday!

Well it's about that time folks. It's December and the holiday season is upon us. I won't bore you with my annual conspicuous consumption speech, but I will give you the abridged, remixed version...

OK, so here goes: Easy on the malls, online stores, and fruitcakes. Spend some quality time with your family and friends. Give Santa a smooch - and think about " the reason for the season. "

During the holiday season we can easily get carried away with shopping, gifts and pricey items ...and I'm certainly not going to stand in the way of you and your MasterCard, but I will add a couple ideas to your "holiday to do list." Think of me as your conscience...your voice of reason...your nagging wife...

One: The Campaign to Make Poverty History - why not throw a holiday event for a cause like this? Raise awareness and raise some mullah.

World Vision: Many of you know this has been a favorite of mine since about 1993. A small gift can provide a child with clothes, medicine, books, and more.

Volunteer Match: You can find any and every volunteer opportunity through this site. Food banks, shelters, and schools need more help than ever during holidays. Check 'em out.

Toys for Tots: You gotta luv the kids! Throw a couple toys for the kids in the shopping cart along with the Wii and Plasma TV fr you. Mmhmm...I know what you're getting yourself for the holidays.

Insert Your Own Humanitarian Effort Here: Hey - I can't come up with all the ideas! Sheesh. You guys are gettin' lazy!

So what I'm trying to say is, remember what the holidays are all about. Oh - and don't spend all your money! e. e. cummings once said, "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." Ain't that the truth!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS- actually its not really schadenfreude. To be honest, I'm thinking about bringing some Jell-O Jigglers to at least one holiday party this year.

p.p.s: If I get motivated, maybe I'll post more ideas on my website - keep your eyes peeled.

COTM | Bringing Texty Back

2007-11-26T12:01:00.000-06:00

SMISV!

Sup? AWHFY? No? Ok, well J4YI, Oprah is SFE2E b/c of Obama. IOW, the YL is endorsing the QT. OMG! SWDYT? IMHO, WK?! FWIW, they're TBFFs. Poor Stedman.

If you didn't catch that, study this and then read below. If you did catch it all, me thinks you're a 13 year old girl.

Snapalicious, Monday is STILL vicious! What's Up? Are we having fun yet? No? Ok, well just for your information, Oprah is smiling from ear to ear because of Obama. In other words, the young lady is endorsing the cutie. Oh my goodness! So what do you think? In my humble opinion, who knows?! For what it's worth, they're totally best friends forever. Poor Stedman.

So how many of you have been caught in one of these conversations via e-mail/text?! They're almost as painful as being caught in a Chocolate Twankie convo. And trust you me, both are indications that the English language is dying a slow and painful death. You know what else will clue you into the current state of our national vernacular?...

You've had the above abbreviated conversation...in person.

Sometimes, when you're frustrated, you say, "WTF?!"...outloud.

You watched the LG National Texting Championship

You participated in the LG National Texting Championship and lost because you couldn't text "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious" in less than 15 seconds.

You get confused when people speak normal English.

For the love of Merriam and Webster! I can't be the only one speaking [broken] English! Sheesh. My advice for the week? Let's all pick up a dictionary...and study it. Matter of fact, let's sign-up for Word of the Day e-mails. In fact, I'll keep SWOTD [Smart Word of the Day] going. It's necessary...it's our livelihood!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - makes you want to stop texting while driving huh?

COTM | Turkey Day

2007-11-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

Snapberry Sauce and Turkey! It's Monday!

Ugh. Is it Thanksgiving yet? No?! Sigh. I almost forgot to send this bad-boy out. Since I'm all over the place today, you're going to get my random thoughts. Minimal organization - just nonsensical bullet points! Mmmm...

Well, well, well....from the results of last week's poll it looks like your favorite Michael Jackson song is "Dirty Diana " - or as my nephew calls it, "Nasty Nancy." I'm surprised no one picked Jam. Shame.

Why is he not retired yet? How are you gonna claim retirement like several times and then come back?! What kind of an example does that set for our senior citizens?! I would hate for them to think that promising something to the people and then not keeping their word is ok! Oo-wee.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?!

Brace yourselves. If you caught the AMAs last night, then you caught a glimpse of Armageddon: Alicia Keys performed... and danced! [loved it] and Beyonce joined Sugarland to sing the country version of irreplaceable [irrevocable....that's 2:47 minutes of my life I'll never get back.]

Today is World Toilet Day - I know it may sound funny, but 2.6 billion people in the world are "untoileted" - from the report:"The lack of a safe, private, and convenient toilet is a daily source of indignity and undermines health, education, and income generation." I know this because it was in my work inbox this morning. Now that's how we should all start our Monday mornings.

Back to the American Music Awards. "I be up in the gym workin' on my fitness" too so....umm...where's my AMA? I can dance in some miss piggy pumps like the best of 'em - skill!

I'll take extra mashed potatoes, gravy, corn bread, sweet potatoes, and a turkey leg to start please. Thanks. What was that? huh?....it's not Thanksgiving yet?!?! Argh!

I want this dress for Christmas so I can get my Tina Turner on...but I could do without the song.

Can we bring this one back for old times sake? When I'm at work...feeling overwhelmed...or feeling like procrastinating, I just click this link and everything is better. I would pay good money to see this in person.

Mmmm...

My advice for the week? Don't act like you're already on vacation - you'll never get anything done. Worse yet, you'll send out random e-mails to your friends and family with subliminal Thanksgiving menu options. Powerhouse it the next few days and then make the best of Thanksgiving [i.e. eat all you can and don't forget to make me a plate!]

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - that reminds me. I need to fill up my tank. Lemme hold a dollar!!

COTM | Thriller

2007-11-12T11:43:00.000-06:00

Snapple Tropical Mango Antioxidant Water - it's Monday!

So I was going to wait 3 weeks for this, but this is just too good. In less than 3 weeks we will all be celebrating one of the most important days in like World History....

...the anniversary of Michael Jackson's Thriller! That's right December 1st [which is also World AIDS Day] is the 25th Anniversary of one of the best albums - with one of the weirdest alternative covers, but I digress. Oh Thriller. They don't make albums like that anymore. It's just amazing on so many levels. Shall we review? Here's how you know an album is the ish diddles and has ridiculous staying power....

Music Video: The Thriller video is like an actual movie - and that mess scared the bejeezuz out of me when I was little. For the record, never show a child "The Making of Thriller" - ever... especially while that child happens to be visiting Africa.

Publicity: MJ just made the cover of Ebony Magazine....and he's not even Ebony anymore! Influence.

Dance: I know the entire dance - and so do you - don't deny it. But... um... er... uh... when a detention center in the Philippines reenacts the entire video 24 years later?! Did I mention that this is a male detention center? So that unattractive woman you see at the beginning & end....well...you figure it out.

Remakes: Chris Brown wasn't even born when this album was released. Fast forward to the end - it has a montage of his videos. Good stuff.

Album Sales: Thriller is the best selling album of all time! Purple Rain has to be a close second...if not, I'll cry.

Concerts: The Thriller tour was clearly one of the best ever. Ahh...1987...when I had a serious crush on MJ. This is also the year my bro JP got me MJ's Bad album and secured my happiness and bestest, awesomest brother in the world status. I still remember the day as though it was yesterday...."put the needle on the record"...

Songs: Thriller, Beat It, PYT, The Girl is Mine, The Lady in My Life, Human Nature...lyrical goodness!!! And I quote, " Where Did You Come From Lady, And Ooh Won't You Take Me There; Right Away Won't You Baby; Tendoroni You've Got To Be; Spark My Nature Sugar Fly With Me" - genius. Do you know how many folks have remixed his songs?!?!

Michael Jackson may be a little different... but he sure makes some good music! Since most of you aren't working anyways [you really shouldn't be reading this e-mail at work...you should be ashamed] - I have a project for you. Remember the good times - think of your favorite Michael Jackson song and make that your theme song for the week. Oh - and let me know what it is!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - I don't know...this kind of scared me more than the original video.

COTM | Dance Off!

2007-11-05T14:18:00.000-06:00

Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's Monday!

Ok, as much as I want to comment on the current state of German cartoons about Egyptian crocodiles named Schnappi, I can't. There are more pressing issues at hand so I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.

The 2008 Presidential Race is no longer about the issues. No, really. I've weighed each candidate's position on Education, Health Care, Foreign Policy, the Environment, Dental Floss and the like...and I just can't make up my mind. So my vote is going to be settled the old fashioned way...

...a dance off!

You guys may not think it's important, but having dancing abilities is crucial if you're going to be our next president. Don't know if you should cut taxes for the lower-income demographic?...dance off . Fighting to provide better education in all school districts?...dance off. I mean, let's be honest here - it worked for Kid n' Play in House Party - which of course, means it will work for our national government.

So who is our next president, you ask? Well if it's based on a dance off, then my home-skillet-ride-or-die-brotha-from-anotha-mutha Barry takes the cake. He's got a mean two-step. Watch-out now! He's about to " walk a whole in [his] Stacey Adams!"

What'd I'd pay to see Obama do the Souljah Boy. That would probably win my vote instantly. Let's watch him again in slow-mo...Good stuff.

So choosing a president solely based on dancing abilities isn't the best idea. But this notion does lead me to a greater message. My advice for the week? Notice "the other side" of folks. Realize that people are multidimensional [well...hopefully] and they have a fun side that needs to come out and play! Recess!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - Obama dressed up as Obama?! This man is too cool for school.

COTM | You Need A Vaca!

2007-10-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

Snappy Day - it's time for a Vaca! Happy Monday!

I don't know about you but I'm in serious need of a vacation y'all. I never thought I'd say this, but we should be more like Europe... wait for it...in that they go on "holiday" like 6 weeks out of the year. Only in America does one take only 5 days off of work the entire year.

You know what? I think you need a vacation too. Wanna know how I know? I thought you'd never ask...

You've made at least 1 comical video using pictures of your co-workers, celebrities, and/or political figures. Who said Kim Jung Il only looks good in a military uniform? Wait...who said Kim Jung Il looks good??

Your minimal free time at work is spent looking up vacation packages to Zanzibar and other places affiliated with Queen. On an unrelated topic - who would like to go to Zanzibar with me in December? About 5-7 days? Honeymoon package?

The issues of the world plague you everyday...and you like to make-up hilarious songs about them.

Last week you left work early...and you're a doctor...and you were in the middle of heart surgery.

Forget effort, now you just come into work in whatever is semi-clean...like your dining room drapes.

At your last company meeting your co-worker took the last bagel. You looked him straight in the eye and said, " leggo my eggo" and then grabbed the bagel out of his hands and walked away.

Watching Office Space makes you cry - because you can relate in the worst way .

Basically, it's probably time for a vacation when your priorities are all out of whack. And from what I gather, a lot of you have some suspect priorities. My advice? Take a vacation! Even if it means building a fort in your living room and calling it Yosemite National Park. You gotta do what ya gotta do!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - sigh...such a good movie.

COTM | Magically Delicious

2007-10-22T12:05:00.000-05:00

Snapically Delicious! It's Monday!

Just when you thought reading these e-mails and visiting oh-mondays wasn't enough - I added a music playlist to my site so you can procrastinate until Tuesday!

So yesterday I was on the phone with my niece Reya (shout-out to her "school" ;-) USC even though they got SMASHED by Stanford...and no - I will never let it go). I mentioned how I felt too lazy to actually make dinner. Just when I was about to settle on 3 ginger snaps and a sugar-free Tic Tac she mentioned what we have declared the best invention ever... cereal! Yeah the wheel has gotten us pretty far in civilization and props to Charles Drew for pioneering blood plasma and my boy George Washington Carver for that goodness we call peanut butter, but I'd really like to shake hands with the genius who created breakfast cereal. Real talk.

Just think about it. You can eat cereal any time of the day! I guess you could eat any food any time of the day...but at 2am, filet mignon just doesn't sound as good as some Smart Start with Berries ya dig?

So I started thinking about what makes cereal so great. Off the bat, I would say it's the magical deliciousness. But when you really think about it...I think it's the commercials. Lets be honest - you could sell hot pink Spanx to a nun if the commercial is on point right? Trust me - I've tried to sell hot pink Spanx to a nun before and if I had a winning commercial Sister Mary Francis totally would have bought them. 2 for 1 ya'all!

Well here are some commercials that got you hooked like Pookie [Chris Rock] in New Jack City...

Alpha Bits: Quit playin' Michael. And all along I thought you were a scary-looking melting woman.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal: Absolutely no nutritional value...at all.
Pac Man Cereal:Fancy that. I was just doing the Pac Man dance this morning. Hmm...in a similar outfit....double hmm....
Nintendo Cereal: 2 cereals in 1?!?! That's preposterous! I want no part of it!
Life Cereal: Classic!
Wheaties: This commercial is completely responsible for my love of Wheaties as a child and yet when I think about it, it really doesn't taste good...at all. I think Michael Jordan is the secret weapon in selling hot pink spanx to a nun.

Too bad I wasn't allowed to eat this mess (excluding Wheaties). 'Rents had me eatin' straight Kashi . Ugh. Torture. But I'm grown now and I can eat whatever I want! But my palate is now conditioned to only like granola-based cereals...sigh. Nevertheless, this week I'm going to march myself to the General Mills Headquarters (like 7 minutes away) and demand to taste all of their sugary delights! My advice to you for the week? Eat what you loved to eat as a child...in moderation folks. Metabolism ain't what it used to be!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Oh you pulled my chain. Here's your MOS. Did you know that there are over 2300 ... different ... videos for G. Love and Special Sauce's infamous " Milk and Cereal" song on YouTube alone?? Now that's procrastination and boredom at its best. And so is this.

COTM | Pocket Change

2007-08-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

Snap Attack! Monday is BACK!

Oh how I missed it. I missed Monday like the deserts miss the rain. Like Michael Vick is about to miss Football and privacy. Like hip hop misses decent music. Like Georgie B misses Alberto. Yeah folks. I missed it that bad.

You know what else I miss? Money. Well...I never missed it 'cause I never really had it. But I'd like it! I mean - I don't have to have it...but lemme just be superficial for one moment. Have you ever thought about what you'd do if someone gave you One Million Dollars? After Georgie B "and them" take 50%...after you pay off your student loans and "miscellaneous debt"...after you make your "charitable contributions"...what material items would you spend your money on?! You have NO IDEA you say? Well let me help you out. When you win the lottery and decide to spend your money on useless goodies, please think of me in one of the following 7 manners...

Iced-Out iPod Shuffle : It's classy, it's sleek, it holds 250 songs...and it's only $20,000

Yalos LCD TV : You have to have a clear screen and perfect resolution while watching Coming to America. I'll take mine with 160 diamonds. $130,000.

Bhutan Book: It's life size, it's about the Himalayan Kingdom (you know you love it) and it's WAY better than a coffee table book. You need a big book for your big home. $15,000. A mind's a terrible thing to waste. And so is a lanai...put it in your lanai.

PG Tips Tea: With the stress of being rich, you need some tea to calm you down...and sip in your lanai. That'll be $7500 for one tea bag please.

Hoveround: Those commercials have me hooked. Yesterday I saw two old ladies cruisin' down Lyndale in these bad boys like they were rollin' in a Bentley. AND they were stunnin' with some curlers in their hair! Too hot. I might do that this weekend. I wonder if insurance will cover the hoveround...

NASA's Blue Smoke: A gel that's 99.8% air?!?! Sand and silicone dioxide...but feels like expanded polystyrene?!?! That's ridiculous! I don't know what it does but I know it's cool...and expensive. You better call NASA and get you some...and keep it in your lanai.

Bugatti Veyron: I just thought I'd throw that in there. You know...if you had some change left over...and subsequently won the lottery again.

Nice huh? I can't wait for one of ya'all to win the lottery. But to be honest [sappy statement in 5....4....3....2....] all I really want from you is your friendship. That's definitely worth more than a million dollars. But if you do win - just remember who kept you entertained Monday mornings when you were at that job you just quit 'cause now you're rich and all.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - once again, I try not to make fun of people under 18 but...it was just too easy. She shoulda won Miss Teen USA guys. Don't act like YOU know how to locate the United States on a map... 'cause you don't.

COTM | Celebrity Mash-Ups

2007-08-20T07:30:00.000-05:00

Snapple-Dabble Doo! It's Monday Folks!

So as you know, COTM is usually full of substance and important subject matter worthy of the front page of the New York Times. I hear you laughing and I am not amused. Anywho, today we're going to immerse ourselves in pure celebrity filth. Not-so-much gossip...something way better...

Hollywood is full of lies and deceit...which I guess are kinda the same thing. For years I've been speculating about the connections between folks in Hollywood. Many of you have heard me speak of it, but I have no proof so oh well. But now my hypotheses are being hypothesized by other folks in hypothesizing blogosphere, which totally adds validity. So here's what I think. Remember...these are just my hypotheses...Celebrity Mash-ups if you will...

Star Jones is Nicole Richie's undercova birth motha. Tell me you don't see it! It's all in their facial expressions.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have a son. And his name is Chris Brown. And when they have a daughter, she may look like this.

Speaking of Beyonce, her sister Solange may have a different Daddy...comedian Orlando Jones of Mad TV.

Diana Ross and Michael Jackson are the proud parents of Evan Ross . Or as they say on Crunktastical, "LaMichael."

The entire cast of Seinfeld participated in a genetic experiment which resulted in Anna Nicole's former interior designer, Bobby Trendy

There's more where that came from, but y'all ain't ready! I'm sure you have some on your mind so send 'em my way. You know, you're probably a mash-up of two (or more) celebrities. Can you guess which ones? Based on the comments from various well-intentioned yet annoying people, I'm the sister of Venus and Serena Williams and the daughter of Whoppi Goldberg. Sigh.

Instead of advice this week, I'm going to give you all a fun Chall-aaaannnge! - figure out which celebrities you belong to. Hey, you may make some money and/or friends out of it!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - Lil Mo' performing Beyonce's Deja Vu....wow.

COTM | SPF 30

2007-08-13T02:03:00.000-05:00

Snap-a-dazzle, razzle me Monday!

I don't know how hot it is where y'all are, but over the weekend in East Chicago, Indiana & Chicago, Illinois (where I was) it was as hot as Lucifer's left armpit. And lemme tell ya, that's hot (roughly 90-somethin' degrees). Yup...it's summertime. I probably shouldn't be complaining considering it'll start snowing here in Minnesota in T-minus 7 days, but it's just getting unbearable!

As we're in the midst of summer, or as I like to call it, " the terrible effects of global warming ," I figure we could use a few pointers - ideas on how to get through a ridiculously hot summer...

Go outside! Before the end of the summer, I plan on going jet skiing, spelunking, and snow-less tobogganing. What are you going to do?
Always wear sunscreen! A few months ago I was in Jamaica with the fam and I was burned like whoa! (even though I had sunscreen on). It hurt. And it totally wasn't cute. You really can't get your groove back with aloe gel all over your face, but I digress...
For you Minnesota Folks, go to The State Fair!!! Oh the goodness....Martha's Cookies...Grilled corn on the cob...caramel apples...Weird Al Yancovic?!?! Oh yes. You've never HAD so much fun.
Volunteer! There are so many opps out there to do something in your community. This summer I've been teaching kids art (aka, the kids have been teaching me art 'cause I'm no artist).
Change up your style! Jazz up your wardrobe/hair a bit and try something different. Like this . Maybe she's born with it...maybe it's Maybelline.

With that, I advise you to enjoy the summer while it lasts. In the words of Sam Keen, "Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS. It was resurrected this weekend (thanks Tash)...it's a goodie.

COTM | 35W

2007-08-06T07:37:00.000-05:00

Snappiness to ya - it's Mon-day!

You know, a lot of folks dread Monday - mainly b/c it's the start of a new business week. But when you think about it, we should probably look forward to it even more than any other day - it's a chance to start all over again. A new week - a new chance.

As most of you know, tragedy has hit Minnesota in the worst way and for many of you who live here, it's not far from your homes. Everyone I talk to has a story to tell: "I was on the bridge minutes before it collapsed...I cross that bridge twice a day to and from work...I was stuck on the bridge the day before...." Some of you have been covering it for your jobs (television, print, etc) so you've had an even closer view.

I went to the Memorial Blood Center on Friday [I have that good 'ole universal blood] and it was packed. I was deferred for two weeks b/c of iron levels but was amazed to see SO many people there - all ages. The blood center was on 280 & University which is close to the U of MN. Naturally I take University to 35W to get home. Without thinking I drove down University and found myself on University over 35W right next to the bridge - one exit from my house. A serious brain freeze - I figured the traffic was normal - all that construction. Within moments I was sucked into the madness: the cars, the people, the news trucks, the cameras...and then with a blink of my eyes I went into tunnel vision. I just stared at the bridge - the one I'm on several times a day. And then I prayed. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. That bridge is where folks found their faith.

So with that I say that today is a new day. The great thing about life is that we're given the chance to start over....over and over again. So my advice for the week is to start over and/or move forward - do what you've been putting off for so long - call that friend you've been thinking about - take that trip to Saskatchewan - eat a chocolate sundae with extra whipped cream. Just live.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week! - I love you all.

COTM | Vote or Sleep

2007-07-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

Snaporama it's Monday!

I'm glad so many of you enjoyed my Chocolate Twinkie story from last week. That's true schadenfreude: laughing at my expense. You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Velvety soft, velvety soft.

Well enough of the foolishness! It's time for some biz-naz. By show of hands how many of you saw the CNN/YouTube Democratic Debate last week? Really?! Only that many huh. Well if you don't feel like clicking the video link above, I'll break it down for you below and highlight the important aspects of each candidate...

Senator Chris Dodd [D-Connecticut]: He wore a dark gray/taupe??? suit with a navy and white polka-dot tie. Serious faux pas. Aside from that, he had a great analysis of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath. "I believe that had this occurred to major/my population, we would have seen a more rapid response and a more consistent response to that issue..." Well said, polka-dot man, well said.

Senator Barack Obama [D-Illinois]: Obama is the political version of Billy Dee Williams with his unprecedented swagger. He's on the cover of VIBE magazine for pete's sake. Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Oh - and he's fighting for better public school systems nationwide and increasing minimum wage.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich [D-Ohio]: Gay Marraige...check. No more funding for the war?...check. Reparations for African-Americans?...check. Green?...check. Anderson Cooper joked that he can't get any more left than he is now. I'd go a step further and say he's definitely left-handed too.

John Edwards: Other than being Tom Cruise's better looking older brother, he doesn't believe in reparations for African-Americans. But does believe in equal mortgage payments. I guess it's a start. But can I get a mortgage?! Can I hold a dolla?!

Senator Hilary Clinton [D-New York]: Was she wearing the peach drapes from my grandma's reading room?! Hilary give those back! And she done put some shoulder pads in 'em too. Sigh. Jokes aside, her smooth-talkin' makes those drapes look like cashmere. She had some powerful words on bringing the U.S. troops home, being a female candidate, diplomacy...

Mike Gravel: Sorry Mike. I have no idea who you are. I mean, you seem like a nice old man. I'd totally accept some Werther's Caramel Hard Candy from you, but...next...

Senator Joe Biden [D-Delaware]: Amazing dental work. This man's a comedian. He should be on Comedy Central. But in 1600 Pennsylvania?....weellll...

Bill Richardson [D-New Mexico]: He mentioned stopping predatory lending to folks coming back to NOLA and letting original residents come back first. Ummm....too late. Land is purchased, businesses are built, and ownership of the city has changed hands. So now what?

I know there aren't enough minutes in the day to research the details on each and every candidate, but we should do our best. So my advice for this week is: read-up on as much as you can - candidates, issues, political fashion faux pas, etc....it's our future!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - this is good stuff. I shouldn't be so hard on Bush. I'm sure if you compiled all the video clips of my verbal mishaps, you'd have a blockbuster movie - trilogy perhaps.

p.p.s: The CNN/YouTube Republican Debate is on September 17th, 2007.

COTM | Chocolate Twinkies

2007-07-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

Snip-Snap, Monday is BACK!

You know, this morning I was all ready to touch on politics again: Obama, Mariane Pearl's lawsuit against al Qaeda (you can do that?!?!), the recent split of the once-joint Israeli-Palestinian Sesame Street TV program [click "Holy Land"], the declining U.S. Dollar, and things of that nature. But folks, there are other issues in life that deserve attention...such as the game that some fellas try to spit...ineffective game that is.

Now I'm no critic - I'll take a compliment where I can get it, but lately I feel like guys [the ones that walk up to me] say to themselves "forget effort, imma liken her to my favorite food...like chocolate...or cornbread....or a mocha choco frappe with a shot of soy." Now I know some of you heard this story a couple years ago, but just like Ike Turner's career, it deserves to be resurrected...I guess. So here goes...

I was walking to my car from work and spotted a couple of young men tossing the football around outside of their office building or as they called it, a "mortgage company." They said 'hi' and I said 'hi' and the rest of the conversation went a little something like this...

Man #1 [he looked kinda like this]: Ay gurl, what's good with ya?

Man #2 [he looked kinda like this ]: Whatup Ma?

Me: Nothing much how are you two doing?

Man #1: Ooooooo-wwwee! Man-o-man! You always looking so RIGHT!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant piece of church's chicken].

Me: What?

Man #2: Looks like you've been eating some cornbread 'cause you've got curves in ALL the right places!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant side of potato salad...or cornbread]

Man #1: Guuurl. Yo skin is so soft. You know what you remind me of? mmmm-MMM!

Me: Do I want to know?

Man #1: You remember those limited edition chocolate Twinkies they released for that summer like 10...15 years ago? Velvety chocolate on the outside and creme filling? You know what I'm talking about? The ones you could only get at Sam's Corner Store or the Northside YMCA? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Me: [looking at him with disappointment, yet recognition 'cause yes....I DID know what he was talking about] Umm....yeah.....wait....I remind you of a CHOCOLATE TWINKIE???
[thinking to myself, dam-nat...dam-nat!]

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

SILENCE
[both of them looking me up and down as though I was the first female and/or real meal they saw after being released from serving a 20 year sentence in Rikers.]

Me: Umm....well you two have a good day...I gotta go.

Man #1: Chocolate Twankie gurl, CHOCOLATE TWANKIE!!!

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

*The End*

A chocolate Twinkie? For real?! I was so appalled that when someone likened me to a Hershey Kiss I thought it wasn't so bad 'cause it wasn't a chocolate Twinkie . For shame. Well here's my advice for the week: Refrain from comparing a woman to a confectionery item...even if it's as tasty as a chocolate Twinkie.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS. I consider it schadenfreude 'cause I'm about to purchase the entire 1st season on DVD...and you should feel bad for me. Unless of course, you'd like to join me?!

p.p.s : So my phone broke and I lost all of my numbers. Please send me your digits so I can just call to say I love you:)

COTM | My New Job

2007-07-16T11:39:00.001-05:00

Snap-o-rama & Greetings to ya on this Monday Morn'!

So, I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow-up (shhh...not a word). You see, I need some spice in my life. So I've been thinking about trying something different - throwing caution...and my college degrees to the wind and doing something unconventional.

So I perused Career Builder's list of the 20 Oddest Jobs. I seriously considered job # 6: a Doll Doctor. Ok, this is probably WAY easier than being a real doctor...and requires less training. And if a doll is missing an eyeball or foot or something, it's not as hard to replace as it is on a real person. And don't even get me started on all the money I'd save on medical malpractice insurance. Then I thought about job #19 - being an Ethnographer. But the word alone is daunting and makes me think I'd have to use my brain big time to be a good one. So then I finally settled on being a Foley Artist [job #9] - they "use random items...to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps..." Ahhh...I've found my passion. But you know, I'd rather make the sounds and music for commercials - smaller projects are better for me. Baby steps, baby steps.

Have you noticed that commercials today have amazing music? Forget the radio. I would totally love to create the music that accompanies a popular commercial...say....a Cialis commercial. Those are always touching. Yup - that's what I'm going to do. Pretty soon you'll be able to brag about the song in the background of that Preparation H commercial: "oh yeah - my girl AO did that song...yeah...Preparation H with Aloe....mhmm...no kidding. So talented."

So let me give you a sample of what you can expect from me pre-tty soon. 'Cause I'm about to make moves. These are my favs right about now. The music that accompanies the commercial is simply ingenious. I've included the artists with the commercial so you can go and illegally download them like I know you will...you pirates.

Geico | Royskopp "Remind Me"

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups | Chromeo "Needy Girl"
Ariston Aqualtis | Stina Nordestam & Caroline Lavelle "Ask the Mountains"

Buick Enclave | Oleta Adams "Feeling Good"

Journey Diamond Jewelry | Laura Fygi "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" - this is just a link to the song.

Apple iPod & iTunes | Nicodemus ft. Quantic "Mi Swing Es Tropical"

I can see it now. Just me and my award for best television ad in the category of medicated wipes. Mmm - success. Here's my advice for the week, no matter how different they may be, follow your dreams. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS...I know...it's an oldie, but goodie.

COTM | The Purple One

2007-07-09T10:36:00.000-05:00

Snappiness & Greetings to ya on this Monday Morn!

So how many of you got married on 7/7/7?! No? Did you go to a wedding? Well I was at a wedding of sorts. One of the most joyous day of my life, in fact. And the most touching and lasting words I heard on 7/7/7 were, "Dearly Beloved....we are gathered here today....to get through this thing called life" - but these words didn't come from a priest, but close...They came from the love of my life, Prince Rogers Nelson as he performed his timeless intro to "Let's Go Crazy" from Purple Rain.

That's right, 7/7/7 was Prince Day in Minnesota and I went to his private afternoon concert at Macy's as well as the big one at the Target Center. It rained purple. It was the most magical day of my life. And then the clock struck 12, the concert ended, my Prince disappeared, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin and the rest of the night went downhill - but let's not talk about that. Let's reflect on the good times that Prince and I had (yes, in my mind it was just the two of us). I'm devoting this COTM to The Purple One. Let's recap and talk about why Prince may very well be the best entertainer in all the land.

Outfits: I stopped counting after outfit number 5. But I must say that magenta never looked so good. Neither has white, teal, orange, and mother of pearl.

Albums: He's *almost* made an album for every year of his life. Now that's skill...and dedication.

Hair: All that performing and he didn't sweat his hair out. Dark n' Lovely ain't no joke folks. His hair is luxurious.

Personalized Shirts: I haven't seen so many homemade t-shirts since puff paints and airbrushing were popular in the early 90s. My favorite were two girls who wore powder blue shirts that read, "Cleanse yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka" [good look Rach!]

3121 Perfume: Some of you have heard me say that it interestingly yet not surprisingly smells like a combination of Brut, gumdrops, and @$$. But on Saturday we met Larry...the man behind the fragrance. And he asked me for my honest opinion. And I said, "well...it sure smells like Prince." And I feel bad for making fun of his brainchild. So now I'll just say that it smells like Brut & gumdrops...with a touch of Peruvian Rainforest.

Sheila E: Need I say more?

Wendy & Lisa: Um...need I say more?

Princesses: Where there is a prince, there is a princess. And many women believed that they were princesses on Saturday. In full garb, women wore purple capes, formal Cinderella gowns, boas, and the like....most of these women did not, however, look quite like princesses. Wearing a pair of gray Asics kind of takes away from the glamour of the outfit.

Purple Prince 3121 Wristbands: I'm still wearing mine.

Commitment: He performed 3 different times on Saturday...and didn't stop 'til the Minneapolis police shut him down!

Sigh. Prince is one beautiful woman. lol - j/k. He makes me so happy. If you remember nothing but one thing from this week's COTM, remember this: If you let him, Prince will change your life. Somebody give me an infomercial.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS. It's the Prince skit from Chapelle's Show [nsfw] - to be honest, the only reason why it's this week's MOS is 'cause I couldn't fit it in anywhere else. I have yet to figure out the Schadenfreude involved...perhaps the gratuitous use of Lycra and velvet?

p.p.s: If you don't know much about Prince, please... familiarize yourself. There'll be a test.

p.p.p.s: Rach, Eduardo, Lindz, Mariam & Abdul....I had SO much fun with you guys. We must do this again...say...8/8/8?!

COTM | Why?....WHY?!

2007-07-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

Snip-Snap Happy Monday!

Is it July already? But summer just started like 10 days ago! Well, for all you Minnesota folks I guess it's about time to get ready for that first snowstorm. Enjoy the weather while it lasts.

Well this week is going to be a mash-up...seeing as July 4th falls on a Wednesday and what-not. You see, holidays distract me. And don't even get me started on Bastille Day - I cant get anything done. It's like nailing Jell-o to a wall. Sigh. Does this mean I slack today and tomorrow....or Thursday and Friday? Hmmm....let's shoot for all week. Yeah...that sounds good. Well here are a few very profound
things to think about - one for every day of the week 'cause I know you'll be slacking with me;-)

Sweet Sixteen Update: Remember Audry (Aubry? Audra?) from last week. Yeah - the ungrateful one? Well you'll be delighted to know that her mom returned the new Lexus...and then bought her the one she wanted in the right color/specs....and then her brother totaled it....and then her mom bought her an Infinity G35...and the world kept turning although it should have stopped.

Jennifer Holliday & Jennifer Hudson: The original Effie from Dreamgirls...and the new Effie.

This mess was better than VH1's Divas Live. If you only have a few moments to watch this, please fast-forward to 2:11 ... "Aaannnd IIII aaammmm telling you!" - it'll make....your.....day. Jennifer Holliday looked at Jennifer Hudson like, "Look here little girl - you BEST leggo my eggo and hand me some Mrs.Butterworths now!"

Paris Hilton: I'm not going to comment on this. Yes I am. I was only able to watch about 3.5 minutes of her interview with Larry King. Their voices together were like a sweet, sweet horrific lullaby that rocked me right to sleep. But honestly though, the only thing less intelligent than the words coming out of Paris' mouth were the words coming out of Larry Kings' mouth. I've never seen an interview so dumbed-down before: "do you think you'd be a load for someone right now?...do you think you've found yourself?...what don't you like about Paris Hilton?....are you going to go to mass?" - wait Larry, you canceled Michael Moore for this? For shame.

Soul Glo: So random, but I had to share. Angel, thank you for finding this song for me 'cause 24 hours of searching is far to long this day and age. If you are a product of the 80s, you'll appreciate it. But take note: Language = NSFW [not suitable for work]. Save this one for lata. It's a keeper. Go ahead and file it under "all kinds of wrong." And that picture of DeBarge?!....luv it...

Music Remixes: Now you all know that I live and breathe music (shout-out to the folks on my Wilin' out Wednesdays e-mail list). And here's me being old again. Now, I don't mind it when some rapper from Tuscaloosa, Alabama named Lil Buck Teeth releases a remix of Tina Turner's Private Dancer (fictitious example - but not far fetched)....but when it's completely WACK I take offense. And when folks don't know the original version, it irks me just as much, if not more than the word "irk." So here's an example of a remix done right. Kanye West remixing/collabo with one of my favorite 90s Daft Punk songs: Stronger. Headbanger, no doubt. Although it has been remixed more times than The Isley Brothers "Between the Sheets," but I digress.

Hmm...since this week's COTM is kind of random, so is my advice for the week. It's wedding season, so here's some advice from a child named Alan (random website) on how to decide who to marry: "you got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Speaking of music remixes, I'm going to present your MOS is picture form. I usually stay away from helpless children....but this one was just too easy. Guess whose child this is. Hint: He has remixed his look so many times over the years that when my mom saw him on TV she said, "Oh sweet Jesus. Who is that ugly woman?!"

Answer: "Blanket" - Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael Jackson II

COTM | Spoiled Brats

2007-06-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

Snappy Monday Folks!

I would have got this to ya in the morning....but I was too busy reading celebrity gossip sites, and then I had to do some work. I a-pol-o-jayz.

So the other day I was paying my bills online while watching MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen (which kind of gives the same effect as watching a Dateline special on "Obesity in America" while eating a #5 from Burger King - I've done that too). Anyways, either way you feel bad afterwards...dare I say, empty?

Well I'm about sick of the ridiculous materialism plaguing our nation. I never thought I'd ever say this, but "kids these days! Do they think money grows on trees?!?!" $200,000 parties, $80,000 cars, and $10,000 dresses?!?! You know what I got for my sixteenth birthday?!.... A JOB! I know I didn't have to link that one, but I just want to be clear. After seeing materialism at its worst, I think it's my duty to save you all from the madness. I know most of you don't have kids...or perhaps you're waiting to hear about the DNA results? - but that's neither here nor there. This is something we all must educate ourselves on - like politics and poverty in America...and celebrity gossip. So here go the top 5 clues that your child (or one around you) may be spoiled.

You give them a $67,000 car and they tell you, "You ruined my life! You were supposed to wait to give me the car at my PARTY, stupid mom!"

You find that every 6-12 months you're upgrading a gift you just gave them. In 1987 my father and I waited in the Toys R Us line for houuuurrs to buy the Nintendo. I can honestly say I never asked him for a Christmas gift after that. Do you think he got me the PlayStation or XBox? Noooo. I'm STILL playin' Donkey Kong on that thing till the wheels fall off.

She/he tells you that contrary to popular belief, there is in fact a price that you can put on happiness...and it runs around a quarter mil.

You give 'em a $20 bill to go to the movies with friends and he/she looks at you all sideways like you placed a chewed-up piece of watermelon bubblicious in his/her hand.

You say to them, "For Pete's sake, do you think I'm a Millionaire?!" and they reply, "well...yeah...at least."

With that said, my advice to you is to avoid these unruly children at all costs....but be nice to them if you have to interact with them because as this twisted world works, they will be signing your paychecks in about 15 years):

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Speaking of spoiled kids, here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude] - you may want to turn the volume down on this one. Screaming kids and what-not. It's all kinds of wrong, but funny. [NSFW]

SWOTD = Paramour

2007-06-22T09:05:00.001-05:00

So every once in a while I come across a word that makes me feel smart when I use it. Born is SWOTD: Smart Word Of The Day. Oh....it's on Webster. Watch your back Merriam!

What I want to be when I grow up....

Paramour: A woman who cohabits with an important man; an illicit lover; any lover

Sentence: "No Denzel, I will not be your paramour. I have morals, you know!" said Anna.

COTM | Naturalization

2007-06-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

Snappy Monday to ya!

I hope all you Cavs fans are recovering from last week. If you need to find something to pass the time, yet still bask in the potential greatness of your team, just do this.
Etch-a-Sketch has never seen such artistry!

So lately I've been watching a lot of CNN , MSNBC and what-not - and reading (yes, I read). And the more and more I try to educate myself on current affairs, the more I realize I really don't know much about...well, important stuff. Like if the United States Government somehow decided that no one is a citizen anymore and to become a citizen again we all have to take a Naturalization Test....I'd probably have to pack my bags and move to Guam...but Guam's a U.S. territory. I wonder if I'd have to take a test when I got there. Hmm...I've always wanted to learn Chamarro.

Anyways, want to test your knowledge ? If you don't get these lucky 7 questions, let me know and we can totally go halfsies on a condo in Guam. Answers below...

1. Semi-Current Affairs: When did 9/11 Happen? | Believe it or not, some folks don't know - not even the obvious "9/11" part. Watch the video...really? You say 3 million people perished?....are you sure?

2. History: Name one of the writers of The Federalist Papers

3. Presidents: Who was the first President of the United States? | Ooo! I know this one. Me...pick ME!

4. Judicial: Who is the Chief Justice of the United States?

5. Constitution: How many Amendments does the U.S. Constitution have?

6. Legislative: Name your state's 2 Senators.

7. Citizens: What are "inalienable rights"?

So how many did ya get? Mmhmm, that's what I thought. Pack your bags and I'll swoop ya when you're ready. Remember in Middle School when you asked why this info is important and your teacher said, "because it's your history"? Well here's my advice for the week: become a selective learner. i.e. know your president....but not-so-much the fact that he's our 43rd president. Unless you plan on playing Jeopardy, Trivial Pursuit and the likes.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Are you cupcakin'?! Well your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude] sure is! I'm about to sue. They stole that beat from my 1987 Casio.

p.p.s: Answer Key: 1: September 11, 2001, 2: James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, Publius, 3: If you don't know this one, please gently smack yourself , 4: John Roberts 5: Twenty-Seven, 6: U.S. Senators, 7: Individual rights that people are born with.

COTM | Metacognition

2007-06-11T16:33:00.000-05:00

Oh sweet Monday, why do you love me so? Happy Monday Folks!

On my red-eye flight last night I had some time to think - sleeping was nearly impossible 'cause I was too worried about the potential Tuberculosis circulating through my air vents. And I'm pretty sure the guy next to me coughed up his left lung...but not positive because my head was burrowed under a blanket I brought. Anywho, while meditating in my self-made aviation fort, I thought about intelligence, common sense, and all those other "smart things." Common sense would tell Mr. Tuberculosis not to fly but intelligence (his doctors) allegedly gave him the go ahead. But then again, common sense & a little intelligence would probably tell Madonna not to do this - and she's considered to have a "Superior IQ." So what makes us "intelligent" and can we truly measure it?

Albert Camus said, "An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself" and I couldn't agree more. If I could only take one thing away from 7th grade math (and I did), it would be metacognition: thinking about your thinking about your thinking....etc. That, I believe, is the foundation of intelligence/intellecutalism. We all know that standardized tests don't really measure intelligence - at least that's what I tell myself after I take one. But enough about my insecurities...

Let's make-up our own intelligence test to jog our brains. Forget your IQ, throw-out your SAT, GRE, LSAT, GMAT, & MCAT. This is the new measure of intelligence & aptitude. If you succeed at any of these tests, consider yourself smart. And yes, these tests are graded on a curve so you're all good. You don't even need a pencil...

Radar Quiz - "So You Think You're Smart" - 10 quick questions

O'Reilly Factor w/Steven Colbert - Pass = you laugh at Bill O'Reilly | Fail = you agree with Bill O'Reilly

Tickle Pop Culture Test - if you're feeling extra smart, go ahead and take the IQ test

Dictionary Test - You know at least one of the many new words just added to the Oxford English Dictionary . Whoa, whoa, whoa - you mean to tell me that toodles wasn't in the dictionary before this year? For shame.

With that, remember the random yet profound words of Arthur C. Clarke: "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Voltaire said, "anything too stupid to be said is sung." With that, here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. Remember Bizzy Bone from Bone Thugs -n- Harmony ? If so, you're gonna love this one.

COTM | Adults Say The Darndest Things!

2007-06-04T12:30:00.001-05:00

It's JUNE already? Well I'll be! Happy Monday All!

Have you ever made a comment and then immediately thought, "oh shoot....I shouldn't have said that"? I have...at least a few times a day. Like the time I asked my middle school teacher why her last name changed so many times.

Well I thought I'd start the week off with other people's "I failed to think before I spoke" comments. These are great!...

* George W. Bush: "The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope—an ideology of hate—excuse me—with an ideology of hope." - Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007

* Michael Jackson: "Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is share your bed with someone" - when British journalist Martin Bashir asked him about children sharing a bed with non-parental adults.

* Stewie [from Family Guy]: "There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore."

* Britney Spears: "I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada"

* George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

Yes Mr. President, they is. Since we're talking about speaking before you think, did you all watch the Democratic Presidential Debate yesterday? HERE'S my highlight clip - John Edwards and Barack Obama discussing the War in Iraq. As you watch the beginning of this clip, please allow me to translate to my native tongue, "the truth":

Edwards: Hilary & Barry - I guess you all cast the right vote on the Iraq Spending Bill. Kudos. But you're lacking leadership skills. Right decision...not enough action.

Obama: Leadership skills?! John-John, let's be honest here. You're cosignin' on my stellar disposition. I've been against the war from the get. Act like you were too and we've got ourselves a problem... Oh - and I look like 10 times better than you in this here navy power suit.

Edwards: [cricket, cricket.....tumbleweed...]

Hilary Clinton: [thinking to herself] Hmm....he does look good though. What is that, Armani?

Haha! Given yesterday's debate my words of advice for the week are: Think before you speak. It may just land you that very important job . [exception to the rule: bush]

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Happy Black Single Parents Week [I'm serious] - sponsored by the Chicago Black Single Parents Network

p.p.s: Here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. It's actually 10 of them condensed into 2 minutes of visual goodness. David Letterman's "Top Ten George W. Bush Moments"

COTM | Randomness

2007-05-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

Tuesday is the new Monday. Which means all ya'll are going to work on Saturday. Yay!

Sorry I didn't get this to you sooner....I've spent an unprecedented amount of time in the Houston airport the past 2 days and on a scale from 1-10, my motivation level is a staggering 0.2. Since I can't think straight, this Case of the Mondays is going to be pret-ty random. I'm practically delusional right now and I'm *this close* to getting on the NWA microphone to tell everyone to go home because our flight is canceled...again...for like, the 4th time...in 2 days. So here goes...

80s Music : I completely forgot to this video into the Miami Vice/Pastel & Linens/Mullets & Hairspray mix a couple weeks ago. Now THIS is music. Take notes, R. Kelly. You may be that sick, perverted, lyrical genius, but you're no Rick Astley!

Prince: Speaking of lyrical geniuses, we all know how much I loooovves me some Prince. And if you didn't know, consider our friendship on hold. 07/07/07 is the day of truth. New album...new fragrance (unisex, no doubt)....new concert in Mpls. [thx rach] Let's all take a moment to reflect and watch one of my favorite SNL clips - The Prince Show

Propaganda: If I didn't already have great car insurance, I would buy me some Geico 'cause their commercials are great. On top of that, they pick the most obscure (yet amazing) British music...and dry humor. I'm sure you've seen this one ...but it's worth watching again. Whenever I'm feeling down...like when I'm stuck at Bush Intercontinental Houston Airport with a bunch of screaming children and no luggage....I play this and it makes me happy again.

TV: The first season of Martin was recently released on DVD [thx jenice]. And I almost forgot how hilarious that show was. Until I stumbled across this Sheneneh clip. Remember Sheneneh Jenkins? The sad thing is I've met several people like her...several.

Oh - my plane's boarding. Heck yeah. Well here's my advice: Never write an e-mail when you're delusional. 'Cause it's not gonna make sense in a couple hours when you've rested up and re-read it. Oh well. Enjoy, lol.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: http://oh-mondays.blogspot.com/

p.p.s: Here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. I know I'm wrong for this - especially since she's so sweet and deserved a shot at Miss Universe.

COTM | Tiara Day

2007-05-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

"Just another manic Monday! [oh-woe] I wish it were a Sundaaaaayy [oh-we-oh]..."

Well first of all, I'd like to wish you all a happy "World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development." And nope - I didn't make that one up. It's a real holiday....and it's today. And you all should be ashamed for not properly celebrating it. Unless, of course you're busy celebrating National Wait Staff Day or Sheep Day...'cause those are also today and I would totally understand if you felt overwhelmed by all the celebration. And don't even get me started on gifts! sigh.

Which brings me to the topic of the week: weird holidays. Gone are the days of anticipating major holidays - you know, the ones that drive our conspicuous consumption: Easter, Valentine's Day, Halloween, anything in December, etc. There's a holiday out there for every day of the year...and I think we should celebrate as many as possible. I'll go ahead and throw out a few that perhaps we can celebrate together. Forget a 4th of July boat cruise, let's get together for...

June 23rd: Let It Go Day | Yes gurrlll, let it go!

July 15: Be A Dork Day | This shouldn't be too difficult for me.

August 13: International Left Handers Day | Finally!...we will be recognized!

September 5: Be Late for Something Day | I'll leave this one alone.

October 13: International Skeptics Day | I don't know...maybe we shouldn't celebrate this one. Ok, yeah. Wait, no.

November 10: Area Code Day | 6-1-2!!!

December 22: National Haiku Poetry Day | Case of the Mondays; Anna has much time on hands; In need of new job

So this week, celebrate something different. Me, myself, personally?! - I'll be wearing a Tiara all day on Thursday 'cause it's Tiara Day. Oooh I can't wait!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: In case you really feel like procrastinating and looking at old Case of the Mondays... http://oh-mondays.blogspot.com/

p.p.s: Here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]: Folks have sent this to me several times in the past week so I figured, why not pass it on? Honestly, I think Michael Jackson & Eddie Murphy should do another duet. But this time, without the Harlem Boys Choir. That's just wrong.

COTM | Schadenfreude

2007-05-14T05:42:00.000-05:00

Snappy Monday to ya!

I hope you all had a great Mother's Day yesterday. And if you didn't, just watch this. It'll make everything better... gua-ran-teed! There's something about Mr. T that just makes me smile...

Actually, let me be honest. I like this video simply because Mr. T looks like a "fool" rappin' in those denim dukes...and everyone knows I pity the fool [mainly 'cause I've been the fool before]. Which brings me to my topic of the week: Schadenfreude - "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune." Have you noticed that we [America] practically revolve around this? Ok, be honest, when someone bites it and falls down the stairs or stumbles, do you laugh? BE HONEST. Fibbers! I saw some of your reactions a few years ago when you watched this Fox News bit...

Yeah. That's what I thought. Now, I'm no supporter of Schadenfreude considering I've had my moments (Kaic & Dani - 'member that gun control commercial we were in?) ... but I know some of you all are ;-) You should be ashamed of yourselves! Being 2007 at all, it's so easy to see Schadenfreude at its best because of ingenious websites like YouTube and iFilm. Not only can you laugh at other people's misfortune, but you can replay it over and over again! God bless America and its semi-evanescent First Amendment. Unfortunately because of these sites, people have lost their jobs, friends, and/or dignity. It's a shame, really. I truly think that this week we should all try to avoid schadenfreude.

LOL - that was funny! I slay me. Since avoiding it altogether is impossible, here's my advice for the week: Always destroy the tape...always.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: I may have to include a moment of Schadenfreude in every e-mail...is that wrong? I missed church yesterday and clearly the effects are immediate! sheesh!

COTM | Bad English

2007-05-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

Top of the Monday Mornin to ya!

Ok, folks. Our language makes NO sense. Now don't get me wrong - I appreciate it (since I speak English quite fluently thank you very much)...but then again I'm American...and that's probably expected. So check this out...

We have 26 letters in the alphabet. 25 of them have one syllable, for simplicity I would imagine. But then you get to this jerk of a letter W...three syllables! On top of that, it isn't even a "double u" it's a "double v"! What tha?...

Ever notice how flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

What about words that are spelled the same but pronounced differently. Think about these sentences: "I want to present the present," "the dove dove into the tree," "I wound the bandage around the wound," ...I can go on but I'll just get frustrated.

A hamburger doesn't have any ham in it, there's no egg in eggplant, and I still can't find the pine or the apple in a pineapple. That's just false advertising.

Floccinaucinihilipilification - I feel like this word can exist with less letters. Actually, I feel like this word shouldn't exist. Is there no better way to explain "the estimation of something as valueless"? I can think of a few.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English alphabet...random, I know.

Speaking of Bad English...

So given the ridiculous structure of the English language, here's my two cents for the week: It's in your best interest to learn another language. May I suggest Pirahã? Only 150 people speak it and I really think it could have a come-back.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | Chicken Noodle Soup

2007-04-23T13:07:00.000-05:00

Sigh. It's Monday again?! Well I'll be!

So I've been thinking (I know - it kind of hurts) - is Hip Hop really dead? That seems to be the musical question of the year. I certainly think that every 25 years or so a completely new form of music surfaces, stamping a cultural identity for each generation. But back to the question - is Hip Hop really dead? Me thinks not....but it certainly needs a little CPR or somethin'. I'm not being pessimistic, but let me just run you by a few reasons why Hip Hop may have to reassess its livelihood...

Oprah's HipHop Dancing Audience : Please make them stop. If I shouldn't do the "chicken noodle soup", then NO ONE in Oprah's audience should do it. Word.

Comedians making fun of Hip Hop:

...this is great though. "temperature is the only thing keeping me from drinking that coffee." Do you have a B-Boy stance?

Writers making fun of Hip Hop [thanks Angel]: "Mims is hot because he's fly. But it raises the question: Does being hot guarantee one's being fly? "You ain't 'cause you not" would seem to clear that up"

Hip Hop Pioneers on Oprah: I don't have to explain this one. But I thought that Hip Hop had gone into cardiac arrest when I saw Russell Simmons, Kevin Lyles, & Common talking to Oprah during her "Hip Hop Town Hall... HIP HOP TOWN HALL! " This is either really good or really bad...I haven't decided yet.

Definition of Hip Hop: ...I think we may be straying juuuust a little bit.

Well whatever the case may be, I do know one thing about Hip Hop - I love it. And if you love it too, you'll preserve it by doing the following...

Every morning when you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and " You can roll your arms (roll your arms), and just put 'em in rotation (rotation), rock side, to side, now snap yo' fangaz like 'dem temptations" and when you go to bed at night, look in the same mirror and say, "Lets Get Gone, Walk It Out (Now Walk It Out - Think About It - Aaahhh Snap!!!) Now Rock Rock Rock Rock You Can Do It All By Yo'self." Repeat as necessary.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | I'm Brian Fellows!

2007-04-22T06:30:00.000-05:00

I know it's not Monday yet, but I just couldn't wait. This clip is just that good.

Have you ever watched the unfortunate downward spiral of a celebrity on live television? It only takes seconds, folks, SECONDS to make a fool of yourself (in my case it usually only takes a nanosecond or two, but that's just unnecessary information). I present to you Tracy "Hi, I'm Brian Fellows" Morgan on a morning news program making me smile like whoa.

LOL! I know half of you say the same thing when you wake-up in the morning and look in the mirror: "Look at me...I'm handsome! Now I can SEE why I got so many kids!...LADIES!....MY MERCEDES!!! I'm the Ooh Child."

Act like you don't know. With that said, I would be remiss if I didn't advise accordingly...

Folks, don't go on LIVE television if you have just consumed substances that...ummm...how do I put this...I dunno...aren't FDA approved?!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | Members Only

2007-04-16T16:19:00.000-05:00

Is that a permed mullet, shoulder pads, and a Member's Only jacket?!?! - well this video may be a close second to last week's best pop song of the 80s. I think I like it because it's terribly horrible and surprisingly catchy. Tears for Fears is like the father of Danity Kane.

With that I say, Happy Monday! You can tell I have a case of the Mondays 'cause you're gettin' this in the afternoon. This morning was a bust for me. I had a red-eye flight and our pilot was definitely practicing for the 2007 Oshkosh air show. Amateur, no doubt. He was doing figure eights in the air and donuts on the runway. Therefore, I am ALL kinds of off today.

In the spirit of (and my personal campaign for) bringing back the 80s, I thought about the other multimedia elements that make it the best decade ever. The music videos were ingenious - we've already established that. But you know what else? - those darn TV shows that found a way to turn a regular episode into an extended music video. Enter Miami Vice circa 1984. Oh Philip Michael Thomas - why didn't you win that Golden Globe you were nominated for in 1986? Some things just aren't fair. Much like your triad of first names and your love for pastel business suits, but I digress. But real talk, I think it's amazing how in a matter of one episode, these guys can fight crime, win, lose, and win the girl again, blow-up a 1972 Ferrari Daytona Spyder 365 GTS/4, and maintain their mysterious sexy while wearing white linens & pastels... white linens & pastels! Truly the archetype of a good man.

So here's my advice to you, my friends: Ladies - if you're trying to snag that perfect man, make sure he's wearing some sort of Easter color and no socks. Gentlemen - if you'd like to get the girl, just keep the gheri curl activator activated and throw your tie to the wind....it's 100 percent cotton undershirts and blazers with shoulder pads that'll get our attention.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | I LOVE the 80s!

2007-04-09T03:58:00.000-05:00

So I'm going through a crisis of sorts. Perhaps a quarter-life crisis (yes, I plan on living past 100). And when I'm 100 I'll still be rockin' my pink Sheila E pumps, side pony-tail and slap bracelets 'cause I'm nostalgic for THE 80s!!! Ever notice that the greatest things in life - the stuff that GOODNESS & DREAMS are made of - were all created in the 80s?: the disposable camera, Doppler radar, the Internet, Mac Computer, erasable pens, the Nintendo, INDIGLO?!?! Oh sweet PETERS I can go on and on!

Perhaps the best "invention" of the 80s was the music video with story lines - remember those? Remember tryin' to make your own music videos to Michael Jackson's "Bad"? DON'T LIE... I have evidence on some of you. It may be in Beta format, but it's evidence no less. Well the videos of the 80s are SO much better than the meaningless misogynistic video-vixen/cash/cars/drinks videos that are on TV now (do I sound like your parents yet?). 80s videos had a purpose...creativity...musical ingenious...horrible, horrible hairstyles & unforgiving spandex. Lots and lots of spandex. You know, the stuff that matters.

Well in my nocturnal stupor, I did a search for the best 80s POP video. It was a tough decision, but it came down to a little Norwegian group by the name of a-ha. I can't get enough of this video...

Sigh. The musical ingenious of this song and video is simply unparalleled. And is that rotoscope animation & live-action TOGETHER?! Somebody catch me.

Oh wait - I haven't imparted any wis-dom yet! Umm...ok: Spandex is a privilege, NOT A RIGHT. Real talk.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | What's My Name?

2007-04-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

Well whadda you know - it's Monday again! Time for some wis-dom. It's only the second e-mail and I've almost run out of wis-dom...this may be a first of the month thing - like your bills, lol.

So what's in a name? Lately I've been hearing some really *interesting* names. I have a feeling that gone are the days of Marys and Josephs. Unless, of course, you read the Bible. Last week I had to conduct mock interviews with a few teenagers and barely made it past the first 5 seconds when they handed me their resumes with their names on top. I've never SEEN so many syllables!

So here's something to think about for the week. A few guidelines, if you will, for naming your future children...

Stay away from making-up a name and/or spelling. There are like 76 kagillion name out there to choose from.

Unless your name is "ethnic," try to stay away from apostrophes, umlauts, silent letters, and double capital letters. I know I just offended like 10 of you. It's ok. I didn't mean it.

Keep it short. Akon is smart for shortening his long-@$$ name. I didn't make this one up: Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam

Unless you plan on your child growing up to be a "star" or "athlete" or "star athlete," don't give them names that could potentially get them beat up on the playground...or keep them from getting a J-O-B. Trust me, it's a cruel, cruel world.

If you give your child a first name that sounds like a prepositional phrase, make sure you last name isn't a noun. ie: Anna Top, Anna Book, Anna House...you get the point.

The exception? "Sho'nuff The Showgun of Harlem"...

He EARNED his name.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

COTM | You ARE NOT the father!

2007-03-27T16:41:00.000-05:00

There's no better way to start your week than with an insightful e-mail...and perhaps a shot of brandy in your coffee, but I digress. In this crazy, crazy world, we need some humor to get us through. So here it goes for this week...

If a woman uses percents to explain just how sure she is that you are the father of her child, she's probably wrong. And she probably knows it.

text i.e. "Maury, I am 150% sure that D'ran-tiq-que is the father of D'ran-tiq-que Junior!"

video i.e...[nsfw]...

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: I know it's not Monday, but it feels like it):

p.p.s: when i type "nsfw" next to something, it means "not suitable for work" ;-)