COTM | Super Duper Tuesday!

Snappy Super Duper Tuesday....it's Monday!

Somebody L'eggo my Eggo and get me some Mrs. Butterworth's - I don't know what to do with myself this morning! Do you know what tomorrow is?! Do you have any clue what tomorrow means for the happiness and welfare of the United States?! Do you know what you have to do tomorrow?! February 5th is a day that will go down in history because February 5th is....

...the release of Taylor Dayne's new album Satisfied! Somebody get me another Eggo and some Aunt Jemima this time - I've been waiting for this moment since 1989. Oh I know what you're thinking, "Tell it to My Heart" was the JAM in '88, but no - you all are clearly sleepin' on "Love Will Lead You Back" - I played that at like 3 piano recitals and 5 talent shows no doubt. I didn't really master it until '91, but who's really keeping track. And don't get me started on "With Every Beat of my Heart." Hmm... I feel like I'm missing something.

...Oh yeah, and Super Tuesday is tomorrow. I'm sure I don't need to give you any incentives for coppin' the new Taylor Dayne Album...but Super Tuesday may require a bit of convincing so here goes. 5 reasons why you need to vote on the 5th - Super Tuesday [if it's poppin' in your state]...

• Knowledge: Let's be honest. You didn't know what Super Tuesday was until this election huh? You thought it meant 99 cent video rentals at Blockbuster didn't you? It's ok. How were we supposed to know the difference? We've been able to rent videos longer than we've been able to vote! Well now you know, so vote.
  

• Must See TV: Come on - don't you want to see how this one turns out? I'm more excited for Super Tuesday than I was for yesterday's Super Bowl. This is just as good as NBC Must See TV in the early '90s.Except Dwayne-Wayne and Whitley are no where in site.
  

• The View: If you don't vote, then you you don't have the right to complain for the next year. Because according to Sherri Shepherd [co-host of The View] the presidential term is 1 year. Oh - and she also thinks the Earth is flat and no one existed before Jesus.

• The Ads: More ads! If you vote, they're sure to come. Let's find out what folks truly stand for. Education or campaign smearing?! Health care or character defamation?! Vote for me 'cause I'm the 57th richest person in America. My name is Ross Perot and I can buy the United States. Oh, and I approve this message. BTW - where is that man?
  

• Privilege: Voting is not a given right in some countries. And even with the ability to vote, that doesn't mean that the outcome will be fair. I guess that's happened in the U.S. too but you get my point.
  

My advice? Vote! Simple as 1-2-3 Jell-O. And to be honest, it's just as tasty. Have you tasted voting before? Delish.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - I don't know why I'm giving her such a hard time. OK I know. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she made her first couple snafus, but now it's just gotten out of hand.

COTM | Tax Time!

Snip-Snax - get that Tax!

I know what's on your mind. I know you're thinking about next week and all the joys it may bring, but I need to redirect your thoughts. Oh sure, you're thinking about your chances of winning the MSNBC "Make Your Own Super Tuesday Political Campaign Ad", but I'm here to tell you that you lost because you forgot to play Josh Groban in the background and you carelessly left out the illustrious American Flag...so let's move on together shall we? Did I mention you didn't have any "African Children" [no specific country listed, just the entire continent it seems] singing along with Josh Groban? You should really try harder next time. No worries - there's always 2012.

So let's refocus for a moment and talk about what you've neglected for so long...your taxes! I know - it's a hassle, but ya gotsta do 'em! Let me give you some incentives. Here go a couple reasons why you should do your taxes...

• Lemme Hold a Dolla!: According to my boys Henry & Richard Bloch [known to you as H & R Block], 43 million Americans [1/3] didn't have to pay taxes after all deductions and credits. You may be one of 'em! I hope they take coupons!

• Pay Me!: Better yet, you might just get a refund. Matter 'fact, you could be getting that coveted $600 rebate in May. Buzz kill: If you make less than $3K/yr, are ridiculously wealthy, or on Social Security...well...way to be a team player but you don't make the cut. Lo siento!

• They're Watching You: The IRS audits about 1% of tax returns it receives every year. If you don't do 'em this year, me thinks they'd find a way to squeeze you into that 1%....even without your tax return.
  

• Tax Breaks: Some of you are doing big things and going green. For this, you can get a tax break! Yup! That sexy [not really] hybrid car that you bought last year?! Tax break! Geo-thermal heat pump? Break! Solar water heater? Cha-Ching!

• Ummm...: Yeah...it's probably the right thing to do. So until you make that move Bahrain [you can live with Michael Jackson!], Monaco, Vanuatu - or other tax havens, you'll be paying personal income tax.
  

I'm usually not a strong proponent of "the man," but all of this recent political coverage has me doing the right thing lately. Blast! So here's my advice for the week. Gather you materials to do your taxes [you don't have to do them this week...I know I'm not] and then once you do that, you can get back to all the political goodness!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - hey, for $25,000 I would have done this rap in Portuguese.

COTM | Dance Off!

Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's Monday!

Ok, as much as I want to comment on the current state of German cartoons about Egyptian crocodiles named Schnappi, I can't. There are more pressing issues at hand so I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.

The 2008 Presidential Race is no longer about the issues. No, really. I've weighed each candidate's position on Education, Health Care, Foreign Policy, the Environment, Dental Floss and the like...and I just can't make up my mind. So my vote is going to be settled the old fashioned way...

...a dance off!



You guys may not think it's important, but having dancing abilities is crucial if you're going to be our next president. Don't know if you should cut taxes for the lower-income demographic?...dance off . Fighting to provide better education in all school districts?...dance off. I mean, let's be honest here - it worked for Kid n' Play in House Party - which of course, means it will work for our national government.

So who is our next president, you ask? Well if it's based on a dance off, then my home-skillet-ride-or-die-brotha-from-anotha-mutha Barry takes the cake. He's got a mean two-step. Watch-out now! He's about to " walk a whole in [his] Stacey Adams!"

What'd I'd pay to see Obama do the Souljah Boy. That would probably win my vote instantly. Let's watch him again in slow-mo...Good stuff.



So choosing a president solely based on dancing abilities isn't the best idea. But this notion does lead me to a greater message. My advice for the week? Notice "the other side" of folks. Realize that people are multidimensional [well...hopefully] and they have a fun side that needs to come out and play! Recess!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - Obama dressed up as Obama?! This man is too cool for school.

COTM | Vote or Sleep

Snaporama it's Monday!

I'm glad so many of you enjoyed my Chocolate Twinkie story from last week. That's true schadenfreude: laughing at my expense. You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Velvety soft, velvety soft.

Well enough of the foolishness! It's time for some biz-naz. By show of hands how many of you saw the CNN/YouTube Democratic Debate last week? Really?! Only that many huh. Well if you don't feel like clicking the video link above, I'll break it down for you below and highlight the important aspects of each candidate...

• Senator Chris Dodd [D-Connecticut]: He wore a dark gray/taupe??? suit with a navy and white polka-dot tie. Serious faux pas. Aside from that, he had a great analysis of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath. "I believe that had this occurred to major/my population, we would have seen a more rapid response and a more consistent response to that issue..." Well said, polka-dot man, well said.
  

• Senator Barack Obama [D-Illinois]: Obama is the political version of Billy Dee Williams with his unprecedented swagger. He's on the cover of VIBE magazine for pete's sake. Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Oh - and he's fighting for better public school systems nationwide and increasing minimum wage.
  

• Congressman Dennis Kucinich [D-Ohio]: Gay Marraige...check. No more funding for the war?...check. Reparations for African-Americans?...check. Green?...check. Anderson Cooper joked that he can't get any more left than he is now. I'd go a step further and say he's definitely left-handed too.
  

• John Edwards: Other than being Tom Cruise's better looking older brother, he doesn't believe in reparations for African-Americans. But does believe in equal mortgage payments. I guess it's a start. But can I get a mortgage?! Can I hold a dolla?!
  

• Senator Hilary Clinton [D-New York]: Was she wearing the peach drapes from my grandma's reading room?! Hilary give those back! And she done put some shoulder pads in 'em too. Sigh. Jokes aside, her smooth-talkin' makes those drapes look like cashmere. She had some powerful words on bringing the U.S. troops home, being a female candidate, diplomacy...
  

• Mike Gravel: Sorry Mike. I have no idea who you are. I mean, you seem like a nice old man. I'd totally accept some Werther's Caramel Hard Candy from you, but...next...
  

• Senator Joe Biden [D-Delaware]: Amazing dental work. This man's a comedian. He should be on Comedy Central. But in 1600 Pennsylvania?....weellll...
  

• Bill Richardson [D-New Mexico]: He mentioned stopping predatory lending to folks coming back to NOLA and letting original residents come back first. Ummm....too late. Land is purchased, businesses are built, and ownership of the city has changed hands. So now what?
  

I know there aren't enough minutes in the day to research the details on each and every candidate, but we should do our best. So my advice for this week is: read-up on as much as you can - candidates, issues, political fashion faux pas, etc....it's our future!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - this is good stuff. I shouldn't be so hard on Bush. I'm sure if you compiled all the video clips of my verbal mishaps, you'd have a blockbuster movie - trilogy perhaps.

p.p.s: The CNN/YouTube Republican Debate is on September 17th, 2007.

COTM | Naturalization

Snappy Monday to ya!

I hope all you Cavs fans are recovering from last week. If you need to find something to pass the time, yet still bask in the potential greatness of your team, just do this.
Etch-a-Sketch has never seen such artistry!

So lately I've been watching a lot of CNN , MSNBC and what-not - and reading (yes, I read). And the more and more I try to educate myself on current affairs, the more I realize I really don't know much about...well, important stuff. Like if the United States Government somehow decided that no one is a citizen anymore and to become a citizen again we all have to take a Naturalization Test....I'd probably have to pack my bags and move to Guam...but Guam's a U.S. territory. I wonder if I'd have to take a test when I got there. Hmm...I've always wanted to learn Chamarro.

Anyways, want to test your knowledge ? If you don't get these lucky 7 questions, let me know and we can totally go halfsies on a condo in Guam. Answers below...

1. Semi-Current Affairs: When did 9/11 Happen? | Believe it or not, some folks don't know - not even the obvious "9/11" part. Watch the video...really? You say 3 million people perished?....are you sure?

2. History: Name one of the writers of The Federalist Papers

3. Presidents: Who was the first President of the United States? | Ooo! I know this one. Me...pick ME!

4. Judicial: Who is the Chief Justice of the United States?

5. Constitution: How many Amendments does the U.S. Constitution have?

6. Legislative: Name your state's 2 Senators.

7. Citizens: What are "inalienable rights"?

So how many did ya get? Mmhmm, that's what I thought. Pack your bags and I'll swoop ya when you're ready. Remember in Middle School when you asked why this info is important and your teacher said, "because it's your history"? Well here's my advice for the week: become a selective learner. i.e. know your president....but not-so-much the fact that he's our 43rd president. Unless you plan on playing Jeopardy, Trivial Pursuit and the likes.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Are you cupcakin'?! Well your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude] sure is! I'm about to sue. They stole that beat from my 1987 Casio.

p.p.s: Answer Key: 1: September 11, 2001, 2: James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, Publius, 3: If you don't know this one, please gently smack yourself , 4: John Roberts 5: Twenty-Seven, 6: U.S. Senators, 7: Individual rights that people are born with.

COTM | Metacognition

Oh sweet Monday, why do you love me so? Happy Monday Folks!

On my red-eye flight last night I had some time to think - sleeping was nearly impossible 'cause I was too worried about the potential Tuberculosis circulating through my air vents. And I'm pretty sure the guy next to me coughed up his left lung...but not positive because my head was burrowed under a blanket I brought. Anywho, while meditating in my self-made aviation fort, I thought about intelligence, common sense, and all those other "smart things." Common sense would tell Mr. Tuberculosis not to fly but intelligence (his doctors) allegedly gave him the go ahead. But then again, common sense & a little intelligence would probably tell Madonna not to do this - and she's considered to have a "Superior IQ." So what makes us "intelligent" and can we truly measure it?

Albert Camus said, "An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself" and I couldn't agree more. If I could only take one thing away from 7th grade math (and I did), it would be metacognition: thinking about your thinking about your thinking....etc. That, I believe, is the foundation of intelligence/intellecutalism. We all know that standardized tests don't really measure intelligence - at least that's what I tell myself after I take one. But enough about my insecurities...

Let's make-up our own intelligence test to jog our brains. Forget your IQ, throw-out your SAT, GRE, LSAT, GMAT, & MCAT. This is the new measure of intelligence & aptitude. If you succeed at any of these tests, consider yourself smart. And yes, these tests are graded on a curve so you're all good. You don't even need a pencil...

• Radar Quiz - "So You Think You're Smart" - 10 quick questions

• O'Reilly Factor w/Steven Colbert - Pass = you laugh at Bill O'Reilly | Fail = you agree with Bill O'Reilly

• Tickle Pop Culture Test - if you're feeling extra smart, go ahead and take the IQ test

• Dictionary Test - You know at least one of the many new words just added to the Oxford English Dictionary . Whoa, whoa, whoa - you mean to tell me that toodles wasn't in the dictionary before this year? For shame.

With that, remember the random yet profound words of Arthur C. Clarke: "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Voltaire said, "anything too stupid to be said is sung." With that, here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. Remember Bizzy Bone from Bone Thugs -n- Harmony ? If so, you're gonna love this one.

COTM | Adults Say The Darndest Things!

It's JUNE already? Well I'll be! Happy Monday All!

Have you ever made a comment and then immediately thought, "oh shoot....I shouldn't have said that"? I have...at least a few times a day. Like the time I asked my middle school teacher why her last name changed so many times.

Well I thought I'd start the week off with other people's "I failed to think before I spoke" comments. These are great!...

* George W. Bush: "The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope—an ideology of hate—excuse me—with an ideology of hope." - Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007

* Michael Jackson: "Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is share your bed with someone" - when British journalist Martin Bashir asked him about children sharing a bed with non-parental adults.

* Stewie [from Family Guy]: "There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore."

* Britney Spears: "I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada"

* George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

Yes Mr. President, they is. Since we're talking about speaking before you think, did you all watch the Democratic Presidential Debate yesterday? HERE'S my highlight clip - John Edwards and Barack Obama discussing the War in Iraq. As you watch the beginning of this clip, please allow me to translate to my native tongue, "the truth":

Edwards: Hilary & Barry - I guess you all cast the right vote on the Iraq Spending Bill. Kudos. But you're lacking leadership skills. Right decision...not enough action.

Obama: Leadership skills?! John-John, let's be honest here. You're cosignin' on my stellar disposition. I've been against the war from the get. Act like you were too and we've got ourselves a problem... Oh - and I look like 10 times better than you in this here navy power suit.

Edwards: [cricket, cricket.....tumbleweed...]

Hilary Clinton: [thinking to herself] Hmm....he does look good though. What is that, Armani?

Haha! Given yesterday's debate my words of advice for the week are: Think before you speak. It may just land you that very important job . [exception to the rule: bush]

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Happy Black Single Parents Week [I'm serious] - sponsored by the Chicago Black Single Parents Network

p.p.s: Here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. It's actually 10 of them condensed into 2 minutes of visual goodness. David Letterman's "Top Ten George W. Bush Moments"

COTM | Randomness

Tuesday is the new Monday. Which means all ya'll are going to work on Saturday. Yay!

Sorry I didn't get this to you sooner....I've spent an unprecedented amount of time in the Houston airport the past 2 days and on a scale from 1-10, my motivation level is a staggering 0.2. Since I can't think straight, this Case of the Mondays is going to be pret-ty random. I'm practically delusional right now and I'm *this close* to getting on the NWA microphone to tell everyone to go home because our flight is canceled...again...for like, the 4th time...in 2 days. So here goes...

• 80s Music : I completely forgot to this video into the Miami Vice/Pastel & Linens/Mullets & Hairspray mix a couple weeks ago. Now THIS is music. Take notes, R. Kelly. You may be that sick, perverted, lyrical genius, but you're no Rick Astley!
  

• Prince: Speaking of lyrical geniuses, we all know how much I loooovves me some Prince. And if you didn't know, consider our friendship on hold. 07/07/07 is the day of truth. New album...new fragrance (unisex, no doubt)....new concert in Mpls. [thx rach] Let's all take a moment to reflect and watch one of my favorite SNL clips - The Prince Show
  

• Propaganda: If I didn't already have great car insurance, I would buy me some Geico 'cause their commercials are great. On top of that, they pick the most obscure (yet amazing) British music...and dry humor. I'm sure you've seen this one ...but it's worth watching again. Whenever I'm feeling down...like when I'm stuck at Bush Intercontinental Houston Airport with a bunch of screaming children and no luggage....I play this and it makes me happy again.

• TV: The first season of Martin was recently released on DVD [thx jenice]. And I almost forgot how hilarious that show was. Until I stumbled across this Sheneneh clip. Remember Sheneneh Jenkins? The sad thing is I've met several people like her...several.

Oh - my plane's boarding. Heck yeah. Well here's my advice: Never write an e-mail when you're delusional. 'Cause it's not gonna make sense in a couple hours when you've rested up and re-read it. Oh well. Enjoy, lol.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: http://oh-mondays.blogspot.com/

p.p.s: Here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude]. I know I'm wrong for this - especially since she's so sweet and deserved a shot at Miss Universe.