COTM | Sweet Home Alabama

Snappy Sweet Home Alabama! It's Monday! Happy President's Day y'all. Who's at work? I may not celebrate President's day, but I'd like to have the option ya know? If I had the day off I'd totally commemorate the holiday by spending some Washingtons, Lincolns & Jacksons at the mall [I'm not quite big-time like you guys].

Well I just got back from Montgomery, AL - that's right, I actually broke my personal oath to never go to Alabama or Mississippi [my apologies if that's where your family lineage leads you]. Even I have family down there and have always refused to visit. Now? I'll consider it. Montgomery is a quaint, historic and lovely town...somewhat untouched by modern day society yet emancipated from its 1960s persona. Nevertheless I couldn't find a restaurant to save my life [Red Lobsters & Sonics aside]. I was down there presenting at a conference and had the chance to meet some interesting people. I could explain all of my encounters to you, but I think my time in Montgomery is best described in quotes taken out of context. Enjoy a few highlights of my trip...

• Lovely older lady I sat next to on the plane while talking about relationships, family, Hurricane Katrina, church and...sin: "Honey, some of these young ladies your age are...." her voice drops to a whisper... "you know...living in sin! ...sharing a home with their boyfriends!" And I replied with, "NO!" And then I put a bunch of you on blast and said, "you know...to be honest...I have some friends who are living in sin right now...mmhmm...yes ma'am."

• Young man on the hotel elevator: "Happy Balentines Day. Ay...whatcho nayyyme is?" He looked kind of like this...and so did his friend. Matter fact, most of the young men in Montgomery looked like Soulja Boy. Mmm...Montgomery's finest. Not a Kenneth Cole dress shoe in site with this age group.

• Me to Clarence Otis, Jr. - Chairman & CEO of Darden Restaurants [Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Capital Grill...]: "Mr. Otis, that was a wonderful speech. You know, when I spoke to the college kids yesterday I emphasized education and would love to interview you in the future. But really though, what I'd really like to know is the recipe for those cheddar biscuits." And then I slipped him my business card and said to him and his publicist, "...e-mail it to me when you get a chance. I won't tell a soul. Pleasure meeting you." Then I walked away. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm so for real.

• [Same lovely lady from my plane-ride when I ran into her again at the hotel]: "You know, when we were at baggage claim I saw the driver with your name on a sign and I said to my husband, 'that's Anna - the young lady I sat next to on the plane...and I think that's her last name!' Well then my husband said to me, 'that's not the same Anna - that name on the sign is a Hispanic name!' " ...blink...blink...And then I replied, "yup! That was me...with the 'Hispanic' name on the sign!" I mean, do we really know our history?! lol.

• Hotel staff member discussing children: "Well....I have one girl now. If I have another girl I'm going to name her Obvious. I just really like the word." I thought about responding with, 'well...I really like the word metacognition but I don't think I'm going to name my first daughter that." Fact of the matter is she was a really sweet girl. Actually grown woman since she's 24, so I don't want to get on her case too much. I'd tell you the names of the other staff member's kids, but I don't want to publicly put them all on blizz like that. So ask me in person...it gets better [or worse depending on how you look at it].
  

• Hotel registration staff lady when I requested wireless internet: "Ok...so....do you need me to get you the chords or do you have them with you?" I replied with, "wireless Internet. I just need access to wireless Internet. Access code?" She replied with, "I know - but do you need the chords for the wireless Internet?" I replied with, "sigh...no thanks. I have the chords."

• "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am": Everyone in Montgomery - I can get used to this Southern hospitality! [minus the "ma'am"] My lil bro Chris looked at me sideways when I opened the door for myself. He was all, "you know you're not supposed to do that here." I'm just not used to the chivalry! The Midwest is all "every man for himself" compared to the South!
  

I've got stories for days. I had a great time. My advice on this historic President's Day - don't let preconceived notions stop you from learning more about your history, traveling to new places and meeting new people. If you do, you may just miss out on a fun and interesting experience.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - yup, that's our president. And my absolute favorite [which I was actually in the audience for in DC a few years back] is his wonderful explanation of Tribal Sovereignty.

COTM | Best of the Holiday Goodness

Oh Snap! Snapalicious! Snap-o-rama! Snapple-Doodle-Doo! Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's the first Monday of the year!

Welcome back folks, welcome back. Did you miss me? Um...no...it's not a trick question. You're supposed to say yes. Really. Just tell me ya love me! Sigh.

So what'd you do for the holidays? Eat a lot? Spend all your money?! Go spelunking? Well I figured I should let you take a peak into the funny highlights of my holiday season. Here's my top ten in no particular order...

• I had to pick myself up off the floor after watching David Gregory do a MEAN two step on the Today Show to Mary J. Blige. He and Obama have an open invitation to any and all of my future parties.
  

• What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you blog every Monday, in which case all stories are fair game. Ran into Kathy & Rick Hilton in an elevator [no joke, nice folks] and discussed Allen Iverson [b/c we had just seen him at the hotel casino]. My friend and I also explained to Mrs. Hilton that the man in the pimp suit she saw wasn't Snoop Dog. It was just an impersonator who clearly fooled several tourists...and her.
  

• I watched this video at least 100 times. OK, 200 times.
  

Baby Gives The Evil Eye - Watch more free videos

• You got me, 300 times.
  

• My dad saw the Beyonce DirecTV Upgrade commercial and proclaimed, "What's her name again? Beyonce?...yeah...that's the girl that called me last night."

• I had to work. Hilarious, no?

• I witnessed Mariah Carey [or to you fans out there, Mimi] catch a cold on New Years - via TV.

• I watched more mindless television than I've watched since spring break '87.
  

• I wore sweats for like, 3 days straight [yes, I showered in between...no, I wasn't playing ping-pong...but kind of wish I was].
  

• My niece and I baked about...oh....a gagillion break and bake cookies . And ate them all. And then we each ate about a pint of Haagen Daaz sorbet. And all this after going out for Thai. This was just the first night she was in town. And now, this is what I look like...foxxxxaaayy!
  

Overall, it was a great holiday season spent with my favs: family, friends, & food, lol. A great way to end 2007 and start 2008. My advice for the week? Reminisce on the good times you've had and create a bunch of new ones. Laugh a little!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - for the love of pink eyeshadow. Is that the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast?! And why are the lyrics so depressing? Sheesh! Lighten up!

COTM | Turkey Day

Snapberry Sauce and Turkey! It's Monday!

Ugh. Is it Thanksgiving yet? No?! Sigh. I almost forgot to send this bad-boy out. Since I'm all over the place today, you're going to get my random thoughts. Minimal organization - just nonsensical bullet points! Mmmm...

• Well, well, well....from the results of last week's poll it looks like your favorite Michael Jackson song is "Dirty Diana " - or as my nephew calls it, "Nasty Nancy." I'm surprised no one picked Jam. Shame.

• Why is he not retired yet? How are you gonna claim retirement like several times and then come back?! What kind of an example does that set for our senior citizens?! I would hate for them to think that promising something to the people and then not keeping their word is ok! Oo-wee.
  

• Is it Thanksgiving yet?!

• Brace yourselves. If you caught the AMAs last night, then you caught a glimpse of Armageddon: Alicia Keys performed... and danced! [loved it] and Beyonce joined Sugarland to sing the country version of irreplaceable [irrevocable....that's 2:47 minutes of my life I'll never get back.]
  

• Today is World Toilet Day - I know it may sound funny, but 2.6 billion people in the world are "untoileted" - from the report:"The lack of a safe, private, and convenient toilet is a daily source of indignity and undermines health, education, and income generation." I know this because it was in my work inbox this morning. Now that's how we should all start our Monday mornings.
  

• Back to the American Music Awards. "I be up in the gym workin' on my fitness" too so....umm...where's my AMA? I can dance in some miss piggy pumps like the best of 'em - skill!

• I'll take extra mashed potatoes, gravy, corn bread, sweet potatoes, and a turkey leg to start please. Thanks. What was that? huh?....it's not Thanksgiving yet?!?! Argh!
  

• I want this dress for Christmas so I can get my Tina Turner on...but I could do without the song.

• Can we bring this one back for old times sake? When I'm at work...feeling overwhelmed...or feeling like procrastinating, I just click this link and everything is better. I would pay good money to see this in person.
  

• Mmmm...
  

My advice for the week? Don't act like you're already on vacation - you'll never get anything done. Worse yet, you'll send out random e-mails to your friends and family with subliminal Thanksgiving menu options. Powerhouse it the next few days and then make the best of Thanksgiving [i.e. eat all you can and don't forget to make me a plate!]

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - that reminds me. I need to fill up my tank. Lemme hold a dollar!!

COTM | Magically Delicious

Snapically Delicious! It's Monday!

Just when you thought reading these e-mails and visiting oh-mondays wasn't enough - I added a music playlist to my site so you can procrastinate until Tuesday!

So yesterday I was on the phone with my niece Reya (shout-out to her "school" ;-) USC even though they got SMASHED by Stanford...and no - I will never let it go). I mentioned how I felt too lazy to actually make dinner. Just when I was about to settle on 3 ginger snaps and a sugar-free Tic Tac she mentioned what we have declared the best invention ever... cereal! Yeah the wheel has gotten us pretty far in civilization and props to Charles Drew for pioneering blood plasma and my boy George Washington Carver for that goodness we call peanut butter, but I'd really like to shake hands with the genius who created breakfast cereal. Real talk.


Just think about it. You can eat cereal any time of the day! I guess you could eat any food any time of the day...but at 2am, filet mignon just doesn't sound as good as some Smart Start with Berries ya dig?

So I started thinking about what makes cereal so great. Off the bat, I would say it's the magical deliciousness. But when you really think about it...I think it's the commercials. Lets be honest - you could sell hot pink Spanx to a nun if the commercial is on point right? Trust me - I've tried to sell hot pink Spanx to a nun before and if I had a winning commercial Sister Mary Francis totally would have bought them. 2 for 1 ya'all!

Well here are some commercials that got you hooked like Pookie [Chris Rock] in New Jack City...

• Alpha Bits: Quit playin' Michael. And all along I thought you were a scary-looking melting woman.
  
• Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal: Absolutely no nutritional value...at all.
  
• Pac Man Cereal:Fancy that. I was just doing the Pac Man dance this morning. Hmm...in a similar outfit....double hmm....
  
• Nintendo Cereal: 2 cereals in 1?!?! That's preposterous! I want no part of it!
  
• Life Cereal: Classic!
  
• Wheaties: This commercial is completely responsible for my love of Wheaties as a child and yet when I think about it, it really doesn't taste good...at all. I think Michael Jordan is the secret weapon in selling hot pink spanx to a nun.
  

Too bad I wasn't allowed to eat this mess (excluding Wheaties). 'Rents had me eatin' straight Kashi . Ugh. Torture. But I'm grown now and I can eat whatever I want! But my palate is now conditioned to only like granola-based cereals...sigh. Nevertheless, this week I'm going to march myself to the General Mills Headquarters (like 7 minutes away) and demand to taste all of their sugary delights! My advice to you for the week? Eat what you loved to eat as a child...in moderation folks. Metabolism ain't what it used to be!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Oh you pulled my chain. Here's your MOS. Did you know that there are over 2300 ... different ... videos for G. Love and Special Sauce's infamous " Milk and Cereal" song on YouTube alone?? Now that's procrastination and boredom at its best. And so is this.

COTM | Celebrity Mash-Ups

Snapple-Dabble Doo! It's Monday Folks!

So as you know, COTM is usually full of substance and important subject matter worthy of the front page of the New York Times. I hear you laughing and I am not amused. Anywho, today we're going to immerse ourselves in pure celebrity filth. Not-so-much gossip...something way better...

Hollywood is full of lies and deceit...which I guess are kinda the same thing. For years I've been speculating about the connections between folks in Hollywood. Many of you have heard me speak of it, but I have no proof so oh well. But now my hypotheses are being hypothesized by other folks in hypothesizing blogosphere, which totally adds validity. So here's what I think. Remember...these are just my hypotheses...Celebrity Mash-ups if you will...

• Star Jones is Nicole Richie's undercova birth motha. Tell me you don't see it! It's all in their facial expressions.
  

• Beyonce and Jay-Z have a son. And his name is Chris Brown. And when they have a daughter, she may look like this.
  

• Speaking of Beyonce, her sister Solange may have a different Daddy...comedian Orlando Jones of Mad TV.
  

• Diana Ross and Michael Jackson are the proud parents of Evan Ross . Or as they say on Crunktastical, "LaMichael."
  

• The entire cast of Seinfeld participated in a genetic experiment which resulted in Anna Nicole's former interior designer, Bobby Trendy
  

There's more where that came from, but y'all ain't ready! I'm sure you have some on your mind so send 'em my way. You know, you're probably a mash-up of two (or more) celebrities. Can you guess which ones? Based on the comments from various well-intentioned yet annoying people, I'm the sister of Venus and Serena Williams and the daughter of Whoppi Goldberg. Sigh.

Instead of advice this week, I'm going to give you all a fun Chall-aaaannnge! - figure out which celebrities you belong to. Hey, you may make some money and/or friends out of it!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - Lil Mo' performing Beyonce's Deja Vu....wow.