COTM | What Now?!

Snappy Swinter Wonderland - is it spring yet?! Sheesh!

The Oscars & after parties were quite the sha-bang huh? Glitz, glamour, glory and what-not. Starlets and legends. Class & Style...

...Who am I kidding, I didn't watch one moment of it all. There were two Law & Order marathons on and I took full advantage. I must admit, I was seriously conflicted [SVU on USA and Criminal Intent on Bravo]. I hope I never have to make a decision like that ever again. Really, it stressed me out.

You know what else is stressin' me out? Glad you asked - so I'm sitting here at Luther Westside Volkswagon. Once again I received a postcard in the mail saying "something" in/on my car was recalled and I need to bring my car in. I'm gonna need for them to get it right the first time - like when they're building the car in "Germany" [Read: Brazil]. Well here I am waiting on my car [his name is Merc by the way]. Let's do a play-by-play shall we?

• 8:30 AM: I drive Merc the service center. They tell me my brake lights were recalled and they'll replace them [good...'cause I kind of need those]. I head to the "Business Center."

• 9:00 AM: My service guy tells me I need my windshield wipers replaced [which I knew b/c I requested it when I walked in, but who's listening right?] That'll be like $12 plus "labor" [not bad...looks like I can pay cash for my car service today.]

• 9:30 AM: Just as I suspected, my brake pads are worn down. $57.65 for all 4 and $93.16 for 2 rotors [ok...well...debit card today...I budgeted for this...wait for it]...and $220 for labor. [Ay Caramba! What kind of "labor" are we working with here?! It can't possibly be more labor than childbirth, and those women don't even get paid!...usually.This mess is going on credit.]

• 10:00 AM: My new found enemy [service guy] says that there's a fee for regular maintenance. It's usually $86 but they recently reduced the price. So this time, it's only $80. Today is truly my lucky day - $6 in savings. Drinks on me. I give my service guy the evil side-eye and walk away. They know me here as "the chick that knows too much about her car and knows when she's getting ripped-off" and they still pulled this mess.
  

• 10:30 AM: I'm Googling the $#$&)#! out for some "Volkswagen Service Coupons".

I can't wait for 11:00 AM. Really, I can't. They'll probably tell me I need to get my engine, battery, and wheels replaced too. My advice for the week? Use Public Transportation! It's cheaper, greener, and funner...yeah, I said funner.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - who knew Mike Huckabee could be such a comedian?! "Uh-oh! That's not good news. You know Seth, I was counting on those Super Delegates..."

COTM | Sweet Home Alabama

Snappy Sweet Home Alabama! It's Monday! Happy President's Day y'all. Who's at work? I may not celebrate President's day, but I'd like to have the option ya know? If I had the day off I'd totally commemorate the holiday by spending some Washingtons, Lincolns & Jacksons at the mall [I'm not quite big-time like you guys].

Well I just got back from Montgomery, AL - that's right, I actually broke my personal oath to never go to Alabama or Mississippi [my apologies if that's where your family lineage leads you]. Even I have family down there and have always refused to visit. Now? I'll consider it. Montgomery is a quaint, historic and lovely town...somewhat untouched by modern day society yet emancipated from its 1960s persona. Nevertheless I couldn't find a restaurant to save my life [Red Lobsters & Sonics aside]. I was down there presenting at a conference and had the chance to meet some interesting people. I could explain all of my encounters to you, but I think my time in Montgomery is best described in quotes taken out of context. Enjoy a few highlights of my trip...

• Lovely older lady I sat next to on the plane while talking about relationships, family, Hurricane Katrina, church and...sin: "Honey, some of these young ladies your age are...." her voice drops to a whisper... "you know...living in sin! ...sharing a home with their boyfriends!" And I replied with, "NO!" And then I put a bunch of you on blast and said, "you know...to be honest...I have some friends who are living in sin right now...mmhmm...yes ma'am."

• Young man on the hotel elevator: "Happy Balentines Day. Ay...whatcho nayyyme is?" He looked kind of like this...and so did his friend. Matter fact, most of the young men in Montgomery looked like Soulja Boy. Mmm...Montgomery's finest. Not a Kenneth Cole dress shoe in site with this age group.

• Me to Clarence Otis, Jr. - Chairman & CEO of Darden Restaurants [Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Capital Grill...]: "Mr. Otis, that was a wonderful speech. You know, when I spoke to the college kids yesterday I emphasized education and would love to interview you in the future. But really though, what I'd really like to know is the recipe for those cheddar biscuits." And then I slipped him my business card and said to him and his publicist, "...e-mail it to me when you get a chance. I won't tell a soul. Pleasure meeting you." Then I walked away. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm so for real.

• [Same lovely lady from my plane-ride when I ran into her again at the hotel]: "You know, when we were at baggage claim I saw the driver with your name on a sign and I said to my husband, 'that's Anna - the young lady I sat next to on the plane...and I think that's her last name!' Well then my husband said to me, 'that's not the same Anna - that name on the sign is a Hispanic name!' " ...blink...blink...And then I replied, "yup! That was me...with the 'Hispanic' name on the sign!" I mean, do we really know our history?! lol.

• Hotel staff member discussing children: "Well....I have one girl now. If I have another girl I'm going to name her Obvious. I just really like the word." I thought about responding with, 'well...I really like the word metacognition but I don't think I'm going to name my first daughter that." Fact of the matter is she was a really sweet girl. Actually grown woman since she's 24, so I don't want to get on her case too much. I'd tell you the names of the other staff member's kids, but I don't want to publicly put them all on blizz like that. So ask me in person...it gets better [or worse depending on how you look at it].
  

• Hotel registration staff lady when I requested wireless internet: "Ok...so....do you need me to get you the chords or do you have them with you?" I replied with, "wireless Internet. I just need access to wireless Internet. Access code?" She replied with, "I know - but do you need the chords for the wireless Internet?" I replied with, "sigh...no thanks. I have the chords."

• "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am": Everyone in Montgomery - I can get used to this Southern hospitality! [minus the "ma'am"] My lil bro Chris looked at me sideways when I opened the door for myself. He was all, "you know you're not supposed to do that here." I'm just not used to the chivalry! The Midwest is all "every man for himself" compared to the South!
  

I've got stories for days. I had a great time. My advice on this historic President's Day - don't let preconceived notions stop you from learning more about your history, traveling to new places and meeting new people. If you do, you may just miss out on a fun and interesting experience.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - yup, that's our president. And my absolute favorite [which I was actually in the audience for in DC a few years back] is his wonderful explanation of Tribal Sovereignty.

COTM | Awards Shows

Snizzle Snazzle and all that Razzles - It's Monday!

So did anyone catch the Golden Globes last night? Oh, that's right. The Writer's Strike has Hollywood on lock! The 65th Annual Golden Globes was reduced to a press conference and Dateline junkets. Times are hard in Hollywood - they had to skip the pomp [ the red carpet ] and circumstance [$50,000 gowns] and get straight to the point [ the "winners"]...hmm...I could get used to this! Pretty soon they'll be texting the results with links to the actors' IMDB

I've never really been into awards shows. Unless they have to do with music, in which case I'm SO there. Maybe I refrain from watching because I think they're a bit biased [umm....how come The Kite Runner and Love in the Time of Cholera didn't win anything?! Not even for their music compositions?!] Maybe I don't watch 'em because they're like 3 days long. And I just ain't got time for that - unless it's a 3-day Law & Order marathon in which case I'm totally committed.

Golden Globes? Booorrring. Academy Awards? Yaaawwn. People's Choice Awards? Didn't chose ME. Let's make up our own awards shall we?!
profiles.

• Adult Content in Cartoon Form Awards: The Boondocks, Family Guy, Afro Samurai, South Park, The Simpsons - they all deserve their own venue, truly. And yes - I said Afro Samurai. I borrowed the DVD from my Dad if anyone wants to watch it.
  

• Best & Worst Pick-Up Lines Awards: We can start with Chocolate Twankies and end with one of these. "Let's make like fabric softener and Snuggle"??? Wow. Just...wow.
  

• The Cool Politician Awards: This one would be based on a combination of fashion sense, dance ability, knowledge of pop culture, and of course - foreign & domestic policy.
  

• Video Vixen Awards: You can rename this as you see fit. Those girls put in "work" and all they have to show for it is a 1-hour VH1 special on "Video Honeys." Fooorrr shame.

• Best Food in the Whole Wide World Awards: this one just gives me a reason to eat....a lot. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich - no mayo!
  

Lately it seems like movies, shows & music are made for notoriety & fame instead of goodness & entertainment. My advice for the week? Do something award-worthy - out of the goodness of your heart. You may not win a fancy-shmancy statue, but you'll probably win some appreciation from those around you.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS [nsfw] - and we haven't heard from Isaiah Washington since. Looks like he may have to go back to " African-American Cinema."

COTM | Best of the Holiday Goodness

Oh Snap! Snapalicious! Snap-o-rama! Snapple-Doodle-Doo! Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's the first Monday of the year!

Welcome back folks, welcome back. Did you miss me? Um...no...it's not a trick question. You're supposed to say yes. Really. Just tell me ya love me! Sigh.

So what'd you do for the holidays? Eat a lot? Spend all your money?! Go spelunking? Well I figured I should let you take a peak into the funny highlights of my holiday season. Here's my top ten in no particular order...

• I had to pick myself up off the floor after watching David Gregory do a MEAN two step on the Today Show to Mary J. Blige. He and Obama have an open invitation to any and all of my future parties.
  

• What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you blog every Monday, in which case all stories are fair game. Ran into Kathy & Rick Hilton in an elevator [no joke, nice folks] and discussed Allen Iverson [b/c we had just seen him at the hotel casino]. My friend and I also explained to Mrs. Hilton that the man in the pimp suit she saw wasn't Snoop Dog. It was just an impersonator who clearly fooled several tourists...and her.
  

• I watched this video at least 100 times. OK, 200 times.
  

Baby Gives The Evil Eye - Watch more free videos

• You got me, 300 times.
  

• My dad saw the Beyonce DirecTV Upgrade commercial and proclaimed, "What's her name again? Beyonce?...yeah...that's the girl that called me last night."

• I had to work. Hilarious, no?

• I witnessed Mariah Carey [or to you fans out there, Mimi] catch a cold on New Years - via TV.

• I watched more mindless television than I've watched since spring break '87.
  

• I wore sweats for like, 3 days straight [yes, I showered in between...no, I wasn't playing ping-pong...but kind of wish I was].
  

• My niece and I baked about...oh....a gagillion break and bake cookies . And ate them all. And then we each ate about a pint of Haagen Daaz sorbet. And all this after going out for Thai. This was just the first night she was in town. And now, this is what I look like...foxxxxaaayy!
  

Overall, it was a great holiday season spent with my favs: family, friends, & food, lol. A great way to end 2007 and start 2008. My advice for the week? Reminisce on the good times you've had and create a bunch of new ones. Laugh a little!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - for the love of pink eyeshadow. Is that the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast?! And why are the lyrics so depressing? Sheesh! Lighten up!

COTM | Ab-Fabs '07

Snappy Tomato Pizza - It's Monday! Thank ya for the birthday wishes last week! And a super-duper thank you to the Stanford '03 gals who donated a digital camera to Free Arts Minnesota in my name - the kids will LOVE IT! For those of you that tried to get a hold of me at work that day....well...you shoulda known better. I was no where near my job. Otay, moving riiigghht along... Well, this year has been full of off-the-wall stories. I'm sure that you all have read a few here and there, but I thought I'd compile a list of my ab-fabs. This will certainly keep you entertained...

• Ha Ha Ha! Merry Christmas! : Santas in Australia have been asked to say "Ha Ha Ha" because "Ho Ho Ho" may be offensive to women. Own the word ladies, don't let the word own you!

• $54,000 Scotch: Um....I'll take rail, thanks. Wait...I don't even drink scotch.
  

• Senator Biden on Senator Obama: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man." Really Joe? "Articulate"?..."Clean"? Were there no other adjectives in your vocab that day? Was Jesse Jackson not clean? Al Sharpton? No?...

• Stolen Greeting Cards : So Mr. Postman stole greeting cards and took the money that was inside. Smart man. If he was really smart, he'd steal a credit card and gank someone's identity. I'm just sayin. If you're gonna do it, do it right. $50 birthday check or $5000 credit limit? Amateur.
  

• Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen?: Your eyes are not deceiving you. This is the name of a TV show that hopes to get picked-up by a network. It works like this: 1) Guy is illegal immigrant. 2) Guy meets "American" Girl. 3) Guy and Girl "fall in love." 4) Guy marries Girl and gets Green Card. And if I may add, 5) Guy and Girl go to jail for fraudulent marriage.

• Andre J: I can't believe he made the cover of Paris Vogue. Wait. I take that back. I can't believe he made it in the New York Times !
  

• Virgin Atlantic Safety Video: Um....I really don't know what to say. This video creeps me out a little. Actually, it creeps me out a lot. I can't stand the Heathrow Airport. So if I was on a flight from the U.S. to Heathrow and this video played?! Well....lets just say you wouldn't want to be the one sitting next to me.
  

• Diamond Skull: I'm sorry what was that? "A platinum cast of a human skull encrusted with 8,601 diamonds" you say? Bought for $100 Million? You see, this is the kind of @&#!$!* that makes me angry.

• 

This stuff is just too good to make up folks. So what's your funny story? My advice to you is to make one up...and live it! Life's too short for it to be boring too. Just make sure someone is nearby with a camera. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - ouch! He's gonna feel that tomorrow...or today.

p.p.s: If any of you would like to know more about Free Arts Minnesota, just get at me. It's a phenomenal organization that is near and dear to me.

COTM | Bringing Texty Back

SMISV!

Sup? AWHFY? No? Ok, well J4YI, Oprah is SFE2E b/c of Obama. IOW, the YL is endorsing the QT. OMG! SWDYT? IMHO, WK?! FWIW, they're TBFFs. Poor Stedman.

If you didn't catch that, study this and then read below. If you did catch it all, me thinks you're a 13 year old girl.

Snapalicious, Monday is STILL vicious! What's Up? Are we having fun yet? No? Ok, well just for your information, Oprah is smiling from ear to ear because of Obama. In other words, the young lady is endorsing the cutie. Oh my goodness! So what do you think? In my humble opinion, who knows?! For what it's worth, they're totally best friends forever. Poor Stedman.

So how many of you have been caught in one of these conversations via e-mail/text?! They're almost as painful as being caught in a Chocolate Twankie convo. And trust you me, both are indications that the English language is dying a slow and painful death. You know what else will clue you into the current state of our national vernacular?...

• You've had the above abbreviated conversation...in person.
  

• Sometimes, when you're frustrated, you say, "WTF?!"...outloud.
  

• You watched the LG National Texting Championship

• You participated in the LG National Texting Championship and lost because you couldn't text "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious" in less than 15 seconds.

• You get confused when people speak normal English.
  

For the love of Merriam and Webster! I can't be the only one speaking [broken] English! Sheesh. My advice for the week? Let's all pick up a dictionary...and study it. Matter of fact, let's sign-up for Word of the Day e-mails. In fact, I'll keep SWOTD [Smart Word of the Day] going. It's necessary...it's our livelihood!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - makes you want to stop texting while driving huh?

COTM | Turkey Day

Snapberry Sauce and Turkey! It's Monday!

Ugh. Is it Thanksgiving yet? No?! Sigh. I almost forgot to send this bad-boy out. Since I'm all over the place today, you're going to get my random thoughts. Minimal organization - just nonsensical bullet points! Mmmm...

• Well, well, well....from the results of last week's poll it looks like your favorite Michael Jackson song is "Dirty Diana " - or as my nephew calls it, "Nasty Nancy." I'm surprised no one picked Jam. Shame.

• Why is he not retired yet? How are you gonna claim retirement like several times and then come back?! What kind of an example does that set for our senior citizens?! I would hate for them to think that promising something to the people and then not keeping their word is ok! Oo-wee.
  

• Is it Thanksgiving yet?!

• Brace yourselves. If you caught the AMAs last night, then you caught a glimpse of Armageddon: Alicia Keys performed... and danced! [loved it] and Beyonce joined Sugarland to sing the country version of irreplaceable [irrevocable....that's 2:47 minutes of my life I'll never get back.]
  

• Today is World Toilet Day - I know it may sound funny, but 2.6 billion people in the world are "untoileted" - from the report:"The lack of a safe, private, and convenient toilet is a daily source of indignity and undermines health, education, and income generation." I know this because it was in my work inbox this morning. Now that's how we should all start our Monday mornings.
  

• Back to the American Music Awards. "I be up in the gym workin' on my fitness" too so....umm...where's my AMA? I can dance in some miss piggy pumps like the best of 'em - skill!

• I'll take extra mashed potatoes, gravy, corn bread, sweet potatoes, and a turkey leg to start please. Thanks. What was that? huh?....it's not Thanksgiving yet?!?! Argh!
  

• I want this dress for Christmas so I can get my Tina Turner on...but I could do without the song.

• Can we bring this one back for old times sake? When I'm at work...feeling overwhelmed...or feeling like procrastinating, I just click this link and everything is better. I would pay good money to see this in person.
  

• Mmmm...
  

My advice for the week? Don't act like you're already on vacation - you'll never get anything done. Worse yet, you'll send out random e-mails to your friends and family with subliminal Thanksgiving menu options. Powerhouse it the next few days and then make the best of Thanksgiving [i.e. eat all you can and don't forget to make me a plate!]

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - that reminds me. I need to fill up my tank. Lemme hold a dollar!!

COTM | Dance Off!

Snappy il Coccodrillo! It's Monday!

Ok, as much as I want to comment on the current state of German cartoons about Egyptian crocodiles named Schnappi, I can't. There are more pressing issues at hand so I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.

The 2008 Presidential Race is no longer about the issues. No, really. I've weighed each candidate's position on Education, Health Care, Foreign Policy, the Environment, Dental Floss and the like...and I just can't make up my mind. So my vote is going to be settled the old fashioned way...

...a dance off!



You guys may not think it's important, but having dancing abilities is crucial if you're going to be our next president. Don't know if you should cut taxes for the lower-income demographic?...dance off . Fighting to provide better education in all school districts?...dance off. I mean, let's be honest here - it worked for Kid n' Play in House Party - which of course, means it will work for our national government.

So who is our next president, you ask? Well if it's based on a dance off, then my home-skillet-ride-or-die-brotha-from-anotha-mutha Barry takes the cake. He's got a mean two-step. Watch-out now! He's about to " walk a whole in [his] Stacey Adams!"

What'd I'd pay to see Obama do the Souljah Boy. That would probably win my vote instantly. Let's watch him again in slow-mo...Good stuff.



So choosing a president solely based on dancing abilities isn't the best idea. But this notion does lead me to a greater message. My advice for the week? Notice "the other side" of folks. Realize that people are multidimensional [well...hopefully] and they have a fun side that needs to come out and play! Recess!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - Obama dressed up as Obama?! This man is too cool for school.

COTM | You Need A Vaca!

Snappy Day - it's time for a Vaca! Happy Monday!

I don't know about you but I'm in serious need of a vacation y'all. I never thought I'd say this, but we should be more like Europe... wait for it...in that they go on "holiday" like 6 weeks out of the year. Only in America does one take only 5 days off of work the entire year.

You know what? I think you need a vacation too. Wanna know how I know? I thought you'd never ask...

• You've made at least 1 comical video using pictures of your co-workers, celebrities, and/or political figures. Who said Kim Jung Il only looks good in a military uniform? Wait...who said Kim Jung Il looks good??
  

• Your minimal free time at work is spent looking up vacation packages to Zanzibar and other places affiliated with Queen. On an unrelated topic - who would like to go to Zanzibar with me in December? About 5-7 days? Honeymoon package?
  

• The issues of the world plague you everyday...and you like to make-up hilarious songs about them.
  

• Last week you left work early...and you're a doctor...and you were in the middle of heart surgery.

• Forget effort, now you just come into work in whatever is semi-clean...like your dining room drapes.
  

• At your last company meeting your co-worker took the last bagel. You looked him straight in the eye and said, " leggo my eggo" and then grabbed the bagel out of his hands and walked away.

• Watching Office Space makes you cry - because you can relate in the worst way .
  

Basically, it's probably time for a vacation when your priorities are all out of whack. And from what I gather, a lot of you have some suspect priorities. My advice? Take a vacation! Even if it means building a fort in your living room and calling it Yosemite National Park. You gotta do what ya gotta do!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - sigh...such a good movie.

COTM | Pocket Change

Snap Attack! Monday is BACK!

Oh how I missed it. I missed Monday like the deserts miss the rain. Like Michael Vick is about to miss Football and privacy. Like hip hop misses decent music. Like Georgie B misses Alberto. Yeah folks. I missed it that bad.

You know what else I miss? Money. Well...I never missed it 'cause I never really had it. But I'd like it! I mean - I don't have to have it...but lemme just be superficial for one moment. Have you ever thought about what you'd do if someone gave you One Million Dollars? After Georgie B "and them" take 50%...after you pay off your student loans and "miscellaneous debt"...after you make your "charitable contributions"...what material items would you spend your money on?! You have NO IDEA you say? Well let me help you out. When you win the lottery and decide to spend your money on useless goodies, please think of me in one of the following 7 manners...

• Iced-Out iPod Shuffle : It's classy, it's sleek, it holds 250 songs...and it's only $20,000

• Yalos LCD TV : You have to have a clear screen and perfect resolution while watching Coming to America. I'll take mine with 160 diamonds. $130,000.
  

• Bhutan Book: It's life size, it's about the Himalayan Kingdom (you know you love it) and it's WAY better than a coffee table book. You need a big book for your big home. $15,000. A mind's a terrible thing to waste. And so is a lanai...put it in your lanai.
  

• PG Tips Tea: With the stress of being rich, you need some tea to calm you down...and sip in your lanai. That'll be $7500 for one tea bag please.

• Hoveround: Those commercials have me hooked. Yesterday I saw two old ladies cruisin' down Lyndale in these bad boys like they were rollin' in a Bentley. AND they were stunnin' with some curlers in their hair! Too hot. I might do that this weekend. I wonder if insurance will cover the hoveround...

• NASA's Blue Smoke: A gel that's 99.8% air?!?! Sand and silicone dioxide...but feels like expanded polystyrene?!?! That's ridiculous! I don't know what it does but I know it's cool...and expensive. You better call NASA and get you some...and keep it in your lanai.
  

• Bugatti Veyron: I just thought I'd throw that in there. You know...if you had some change left over...and subsequently won the lottery again.

Nice huh? I can't wait for one of ya'all to win the lottery. But to be honest [sappy statement in 5....4....3....2....] all I really want from you is your friendship. That's definitely worth more than a million dollars. But if you do win - just remember who kept you entertained Monday mornings when you were at that job you just quit 'cause now you're rich and all.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - once again, I try not to make fun of people under 18 but...it was just too easy. She shoulda won Miss Teen USA guys. Don't act like YOU know how to locate the United States on a map... 'cause you don't.

COTM | Celebrity Mash-Ups

Snapple-Dabble Doo! It's Monday Folks!

So as you know, COTM is usually full of substance and important subject matter worthy of the front page of the New York Times. I hear you laughing and I am not amused. Anywho, today we're going to immerse ourselves in pure celebrity filth. Not-so-much gossip...something way better...

Hollywood is full of lies and deceit...which I guess are kinda the same thing. For years I've been speculating about the connections between folks in Hollywood. Many of you have heard me speak of it, but I have no proof so oh well. But now my hypotheses are being hypothesized by other folks in hypothesizing blogosphere, which totally adds validity. So here's what I think. Remember...these are just my hypotheses...Celebrity Mash-ups if you will...

• Star Jones is Nicole Richie's undercova birth motha. Tell me you don't see it! It's all in their facial expressions.
  

• Beyonce and Jay-Z have a son. And his name is Chris Brown. And when they have a daughter, she may look like this.
  

• Speaking of Beyonce, her sister Solange may have a different Daddy...comedian Orlando Jones of Mad TV.
  

• Diana Ross and Michael Jackson are the proud parents of Evan Ross . Or as they say on Crunktastical, "LaMichael."
  

• The entire cast of Seinfeld participated in a genetic experiment which resulted in Anna Nicole's former interior designer, Bobby Trendy
  

There's more where that came from, but y'all ain't ready! I'm sure you have some on your mind so send 'em my way. You know, you're probably a mash-up of two (or more) celebrities. Can you guess which ones? Based on the comments from various well-intentioned yet annoying people, I'm the sister of Venus and Serena Williams and the daughter of Whoppi Goldberg. Sigh.

Instead of advice this week, I'm going to give you all a fun Chall-aaaannnge! - figure out which celebrities you belong to. Hey, you may make some money and/or friends out of it!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - Lil Mo' performing Beyonce's Deja Vu....wow.

COTM | Chocolate Twinkies

Snip-Snap, Monday is BACK!

You know, this morning I was all ready to touch on politics again: Obama, Mariane Pearl's lawsuit against al Qaeda (you can do that?!?!), the recent split of the once-joint Israeli-Palestinian Sesame Street TV program [click "Holy Land"], the declining U.S. Dollar, and things of that nature. But folks, there are other issues in life that deserve attention...such as the game that some fellas try to spit...ineffective game that is.

Now I'm no critic - I'll take a compliment where I can get it, but lately I feel like guys [the ones that walk up to me] say to themselves "forget effort, imma liken her to my favorite food...like chocolate...or cornbread....or a mocha choco frappe with a shot of soy." Now I know some of you heard this story a couple years ago, but just like Ike Turner's career, it deserves to be resurrected...I guess. So here goes...

I was walking to my car from work and spotted a couple of young men tossing the football around outside of their office building or as they called it, a "mortgage company." They said 'hi' and I said 'hi' and the rest of the conversation went a little something like this...

Man #1 [he looked kinda like this]: Ay gurl, what's good with ya?

Man #2 [he looked kinda like this ]: Whatup Ma?

Me: Nothing much how are you two doing?

Man #1: Ooooooo-wwwee! Man-o-man! You always looking so RIGHT!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant piece of church's chicken].

Me: What?

Man #2: Looks like you've been eating some cornbread 'cause you've got curves in ALL the right places!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant side of potato salad...or cornbread]

Man #1: Guuurl. Yo skin is so soft. You know what you remind me of? mmmm-MMM!

Me: Do I want to know?

Man #1: You remember those limited edition chocolate Twinkies they released for that summer like 10...15 years ago? Velvety chocolate on the outside and creme filling? You know what I'm talking about? The ones you could only get at Sam's Corner Store or the Northside YMCA? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Me: [looking at him with disappointment, yet recognition 'cause yes....I DID know what he was talking about] Umm....yeah.....wait....I remind you of a CHOCOLATE TWINKIE???
[thinking to myself, dam-nat...dam-nat!]

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

SILENCE
[both of them looking me up and down as though I was the first female and/or real meal they saw after being released from serving a 20 year sentence in Rikers.]

Me: Umm....well you two have a good day...I gotta go.

Man #1: Chocolate Twankie gurl, CHOCOLATE TWANKIE!!!

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

*The End*

A chocolate Twinkie? For real?! I was so appalled that when someone likened me to a Hershey Kiss I thought it wasn't so bad 'cause it wasn't a chocolate Twinkie . For shame. Well here's my advice for the week: Refrain from comparing a woman to a confectionery item...even if it's as tasty as a chocolate Twinkie.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS. I consider it schadenfreude 'cause I'm about to purchase the entire 1st season on DVD...and you should feel bad for me. Unless of course, you'd like to join me?!

p.p.s : So my phone broke and I lost all of my numbers. Please send me your digits so I can just call to say I love you:)

COTM | My New Job

Snap-o-rama & Greetings to ya on this Monday Morn'!

So, I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow-up (shhh...not a word). You see, I need some spice in my life. So I've been thinking about trying something different - throwing caution...and my college degrees to the wind and doing something unconventional.

So I perused Career Builder's list of the 20 Oddest Jobs. I seriously considered job # 6: a Doll Doctor. Ok, this is probably WAY easier than being a real doctor...and requires less training. And if a doll is missing an eyeball or foot or something, it's not as hard to replace as it is on a real person. And don't even get me started on all the money I'd save on medical malpractice insurance. Then I thought about job #19 - being an Ethnographer. But the word alone is daunting and makes me think I'd have to use my brain big time to be a good one. So then I finally settled on being a Foley Artist [job #9] - they "use random items...to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps..." Ahhh...I've found my passion. But you know, I'd rather make the sounds and music for commercials - smaller projects are better for me. Baby steps, baby steps.

Have you noticed that commercials today have amazing music? Forget the radio. I would totally love to create the music that accompanies a popular commercial...say....a Cialis commercial. Those are always touching. Yup - that's what I'm going to do. Pretty soon you'll be able to brag about the song in the background of that Preparation H commercial: "oh yeah - my girl AO did that song...yeah...Preparation H with Aloe....mhmm...no kidding. So talented."

So let me give you a sample of what you can expect from me pre-tty soon. 'Cause I'm about to make moves. These are my favs right about now. The music that accompanies the commercial is simply ingenious. I've included the artists with the commercial so you can go and illegally download them like I know you will...you pirates.

• Geico | Royskopp "Remind Me"

• Reeses Peanut Butter Cups | Chromeo "Needy Girl"
  
  
• Ariston Aqualtis | Stina Nordestam & Caroline Lavelle "Ask the Mountains"

• Buick Enclave | Oleta Adams "Feeling Good"

• Journey Diamond Jewelry | Laura Fygi "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" - this is just a link to the song.

• Apple iPod & iTunes | Nicodemus ft. Quantic "Mi Swing Es Tropical"
  

I can see it now. Just me and my award for best television ad in the category of medicated wipes. Mmm - success. Here's my advice for the week, no matter how different they may be, follow your dreams. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS...I know...it's an oldie, but goodie.

COTM | Why?....WHY?!

Snip-Snap Happy Monday!

Is it July already? But summer just started like 10 days ago! Well, for all you Minnesota folks I guess it's about time to get ready for that first snowstorm. Enjoy the weather while it lasts.

Well this week is going to be a mash-up...seeing as July 4th falls on a Wednesday and what-not. You see, holidays distract me. And don't even get me started on Bastille Day - I cant get anything done. It's like nailing Jell-o to a wall. Sigh. Does this mean I slack today and tomorrow....or Thursday and Friday? Hmmm....let's shoot for all week. Yeah...that sounds good. Well here are a few very profound
things to think about - one for every day of the week 'cause I know you'll be slacking with me;-)

• Sweet Sixteen Update: Remember Audry (Aubry? Audra?) from last week. Yeah - the ungrateful one? Well you'll be delighted to know that her mom returned the new Lexus...and then bought her the one she wanted in the right color/specs....and then her brother totaled it....and then her mom bought her an Infinity G35...and the world kept turning although it should have stopped.
  

• Jennifer Holliday & Jennifer Hudson: The original Effie from Dreamgirls...and the new Effie.
  
  
  
  This mess was better than VH1's Divas Live. If you only have a few moments to watch this, please fast-forward to 2:11 ... "Aaannnd IIII aaammmm telling you!" - it'll make....your.....day. Jennifer Holliday looked at Jennifer Hudson like, "Look here little girl - you BEST leggo my eggo and hand me some Mrs.Butterworths now!"
  

• Paris Hilton: I'm not going to comment on this. Yes I am. I was only able to watch about 3.5 minutes of her interview with Larry King. Their voices together were like a sweet, sweet horrific lullaby that rocked me right to sleep. But honestly though, the only thing less intelligent than the words coming out of Paris' mouth were the words coming out of Larry Kings' mouth. I've never seen an interview so dumbed-down before: "do you think you'd be a load for someone right now?...do you think you've found yourself?...what don't you like about Paris Hilton?....are you going to go to mass?" - wait Larry, you canceled Michael Moore for this? For shame.

• Soul Glo: So random, but I had to share. Angel, thank you for finding this song for me 'cause 24 hours of searching is far to long this day and age. If you are a product of the 80s, you'll appreciate it. But take note: Language = NSFW [not suitable for work]. Save this one for lata. It's a keeper. Go ahead and file it under "all kinds of wrong." And that picture of DeBarge?!....luv it...
  

• Music Remixes: Now you all know that I live and breathe music (shout-out to the folks on my Wilin' out Wednesdays e-mail list). And here's me being old again. Now, I don't mind it when some rapper from Tuscaloosa, Alabama named Lil Buck Teeth releases a remix of Tina Turner's Private Dancer (fictitious example - but not far fetched)....but when it's completely WACK I take offense. And when folks don't know the original version, it irks me just as much, if not more than the word "irk." So here's an example of a remix done right. Kanye West remixing/collabo with one of my favorite 90s Daft Punk songs: Stronger. Headbanger, no doubt. Although it has been remixed more times than The Isley Brothers "Between the Sheets," but I digress.
  

Hmm...since this week's COTM is kind of random, so is my advice for the week. It's wedding season, so here's some advice from a child named Alan (random website) on how to decide who to marry: "you got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Speaking of music remixes, I'm going to present your MOS is picture form. I usually stay away from helpless children....but this one was just too easy. Guess whose child this is. Hint: He has remixed his look so many times over the years that when my mom saw him on TV she said, "Oh sweet Jesus. Who is that ugly woman?!"

Answer: "Blanket" - Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael Jackson II

COTM | Spoiled Brats

Snappy Monday Folks!

I would have got this to ya in the morning....but I was too busy reading celebrity gossip sites, and then I had to do some work. I a-pol-o-jayz.

So the other day I was paying my bills online while watching MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen (which kind of gives the same effect as watching a Dateline special on "Obesity in America" while eating a #5 from Burger King - I've done that too). Anyways, either way you feel bad afterwards...dare I say, empty?

Well I'm about sick of the ridiculous materialism plaguing our nation. I never thought I'd ever say this, but "kids these days! Do they think money grows on trees?!?!" $200,000 parties, $80,000 cars, and $10,000 dresses?!?! You know what I got for my sixteenth birthday?!.... A JOB! I know I didn't have to link that one, but I just want to be clear. After seeing materialism at its worst, I think it's my duty to save you all from the madness. I know most of you don't have kids...or perhaps you're waiting to hear about the DNA results? - but that's neither here nor there. This is something we all must educate ourselves on - like politics and poverty in America...and celebrity gossip. So here go the top 5 clues that your child (or one around you) may be spoiled.

• You give them a $67,000 car and they tell you, "You ruined my life! You were supposed to wait to give me the car at my PARTY, stupid mom!"

• You find that every 6-12 months you're upgrading a gift you just gave them. In 1987 my father and I waited in the Toys R Us line for houuuurrs to buy the Nintendo. I can honestly say I never asked him for a Christmas gift after that. Do you think he got me the PlayStation or XBox? Noooo. I'm STILL playin' Donkey Kong on that thing till the wheels fall off.

• She/he tells you that contrary to popular belief, there is in fact a price that you can put on happiness...and it runs around a quarter mil.

• You give 'em a $20 bill to go to the movies with friends and he/she looks at you all sideways like you placed a chewed-up piece of watermelon bubblicious in his/her hand.

• You say to them, "For Pete's sake, do you think I'm a Millionaire?!" and they reply, "well...yeah...at least."

With that said, my advice to you is to avoid these unruly children at all costs....but be nice to them if you have to interact with them because as this twisted world works, they will be signing your paychecks in about 15 years):

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Speaking of spoiled kids, here's your MOS [Moment of Schadenfreude] - you may want to turn the volume down on this one. Screaming kids and what-not. It's all kinds of wrong, but funny. [NSFW]