COTM | What Now?!

Snappy Swinter Wonderland - is it spring yet?! Sheesh!

The Oscars & after parties were quite the sha-bang huh? Glitz, glamour, glory and what-not. Starlets and legends. Class & Style...

...Who am I kidding, I didn't watch one moment of it all. There were two Law & Order marathons on and I took full advantage. I must admit, I was seriously conflicted [SVU on USA and Criminal Intent on Bravo]. I hope I never have to make a decision like that ever again. Really, it stressed me out.

You know what else is stressin' me out? Glad you asked - so I'm sitting here at Luther Westside Volkswagon. Once again I received a postcard in the mail saying "something" in/on my car was recalled and I need to bring my car in. I'm gonna need for them to get it right the first time - like when they're building the car in "Germany" [Read: Brazil]. Well here I am waiting on my car [his name is Merc by the way]. Let's do a play-by-play shall we?

• 8:30 AM: I drive Merc the service center. They tell me my brake lights were recalled and they'll replace them [good...'cause I kind of need those]. I head to the "Business Center."

• 9:00 AM: My service guy tells me I need my windshield wipers replaced [which I knew b/c I requested it when I walked in, but who's listening right?] That'll be like $12 plus "labor" [not bad...looks like I can pay cash for my car service today.]

• 9:30 AM: Just as I suspected, my brake pads are worn down. $57.65 for all 4 and $93.16 for 2 rotors [ok...well...debit card today...I budgeted for this...wait for it]...and $220 for labor. [Ay Caramba! What kind of "labor" are we working with here?! It can't possibly be more labor than childbirth, and those women don't even get paid!...usually.This mess is going on credit.]

• 10:00 AM: My new found enemy [service guy] says that there's a fee for regular maintenance. It's usually $86 but they recently reduced the price. So this time, it's only $80. Today is truly my lucky day - $6 in savings. Drinks on me. I give my service guy the evil side-eye and walk away. They know me here as "the chick that knows too much about her car and knows when she's getting ripped-off" and they still pulled this mess.
  

• 10:30 AM: I'm Googling the $#$&)#! out for some "Volkswagen Service Coupons".

I can't wait for 11:00 AM. Really, I can't. They'll probably tell me I need to get my engine, battery, and wheels replaced too. My advice for the week? Use Public Transportation! It's cheaper, greener, and funner...yeah, I said funner.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - who knew Mike Huckabee could be such a comedian?! "Uh-oh! That's not good news. You know Seth, I was counting on those Super Delegates..."

COTM | Sweet Home Alabama

Snappy Sweet Home Alabama! It's Monday! Happy President's Day y'all. Who's at work? I may not celebrate President's day, but I'd like to have the option ya know? If I had the day off I'd totally commemorate the holiday by spending some Washingtons, Lincolns & Jacksons at the mall [I'm not quite big-time like you guys].

Well I just got back from Montgomery, AL - that's right, I actually broke my personal oath to never go to Alabama or Mississippi [my apologies if that's where your family lineage leads you]. Even I have family down there and have always refused to visit. Now? I'll consider it. Montgomery is a quaint, historic and lovely town...somewhat untouched by modern day society yet emancipated from its 1960s persona. Nevertheless I couldn't find a restaurant to save my life [Red Lobsters & Sonics aside]. I was down there presenting at a conference and had the chance to meet some interesting people. I could explain all of my encounters to you, but I think my time in Montgomery is best described in quotes taken out of context. Enjoy a few highlights of my trip...

• Lovely older lady I sat next to on the plane while talking about relationships, family, Hurricane Katrina, church and...sin: "Honey, some of these young ladies your age are...." her voice drops to a whisper... "you know...living in sin! ...sharing a home with their boyfriends!" And I replied with, "NO!" And then I put a bunch of you on blast and said, "you know...to be honest...I have some friends who are living in sin right now...mmhmm...yes ma'am."

• Young man on the hotel elevator: "Happy Balentines Day. Ay...whatcho nayyyme is?" He looked kind of like this...and so did his friend. Matter fact, most of the young men in Montgomery looked like Soulja Boy. Mmm...Montgomery's finest. Not a Kenneth Cole dress shoe in site with this age group.

• Me to Clarence Otis, Jr. - Chairman & CEO of Darden Restaurants [Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Capital Grill...]: "Mr. Otis, that was a wonderful speech. You know, when I spoke to the college kids yesterday I emphasized education and would love to interview you in the future. But really though, what I'd really like to know is the recipe for those cheddar biscuits." And then I slipped him my business card and said to him and his publicist, "...e-mail it to me when you get a chance. I won't tell a soul. Pleasure meeting you." Then I walked away. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm so for real.

• [Same lovely lady from my plane-ride when I ran into her again at the hotel]: "You know, when we were at baggage claim I saw the driver with your name on a sign and I said to my husband, 'that's Anna - the young lady I sat next to on the plane...and I think that's her last name!' Well then my husband said to me, 'that's not the same Anna - that name on the sign is a Hispanic name!' " ...blink...blink...And then I replied, "yup! That was me...with the 'Hispanic' name on the sign!" I mean, do we really know our history?! lol.

• Hotel staff member discussing children: "Well....I have one girl now. If I have another girl I'm going to name her Obvious. I just really like the word." I thought about responding with, 'well...I really like the word metacognition but I don't think I'm going to name my first daughter that." Fact of the matter is she was a really sweet girl. Actually grown woman since she's 24, so I don't want to get on her case too much. I'd tell you the names of the other staff member's kids, but I don't want to publicly put them all on blizz like that. So ask me in person...it gets better [or worse depending on how you look at it].
  

• Hotel registration staff lady when I requested wireless internet: "Ok...so....do you need me to get you the chords or do you have them with you?" I replied with, "wireless Internet. I just need access to wireless Internet. Access code?" She replied with, "I know - but do you need the chords for the wireless Internet?" I replied with, "sigh...no thanks. I have the chords."

• "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am": Everyone in Montgomery - I can get used to this Southern hospitality! [minus the "ma'am"] My lil bro Chris looked at me sideways when I opened the door for myself. He was all, "you know you're not supposed to do that here." I'm just not used to the chivalry! The Midwest is all "every man for himself" compared to the South!
  

I've got stories for days. I had a great time. My advice on this historic President's Day - don't let preconceived notions stop you from learning more about your history, traveling to new places and meeting new people. If you do, you may just miss out on a fun and interesting experience.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - yup, that's our president. And my absolute favorite [which I was actually in the audience for in DC a few years back] is his wonderful explanation of Tribal Sovereignty.

COTM | Pina Coladas

Snap-a-colada! It's Monday!

Who needs a tropical vacation?! So last night I got back from New Mexico [lovely combination of crisp air, a bit of snow, and sun]...and when I landed in the Twin Cities it was about 5 degrees below zero - which isn't too bad if your heat works...but apparently mine doesn't [I know what you're thinking and yes I paid my bill...hater]...

Matter fact, my loft was 50 degrees when I walked in and a cozy 53 degrees when I woke up this morning from my frigid slumber. My building super brought me a space heater which I used to create a warm fort - along with a dining room chair, my couch, and my ottoman. And even though it read: "caution, do not cover or place items on heater" I most definitely slept on the space heater like it was a mattress. And now my legs look like a McGriddle, but that's neither here nor there.


Here go a few clues that you need a tropical vaca to get away from the cold weather...and for some of you, cold co-workers. If you've "lost" any one of these 3 crucial sensibilities, you just may need a Hawaiian Tropics vacation STAT! ...

• Style: It's really not OK to show up to work in sweats, Uggs and a ski mask. It may "feel right," given the North Pole-esque weather, but you've simply gotten too comfortable and you really need to snap out of it.
  

• Reason: I was at the MSP airport on Friday and as I passed the shoe shining area one of the shoe shiners tried to holla at me....and I actually considered stopping to talk with him. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against shoe shining as a profession - and this guy was a good 50 years younger than the last shoe shiner that tried to get @ me [yes, this is pretty much a routine at the MSP airport]. I think it's what he called me that turned me away. Something along the lines of "ayyyy-shawtaay..." And I was actually gonna stop! Get it....together.

• That Lovin' Feeling: Have you lost it? When your co-worker asked you for those TPS reports last week, did you throw a Swingline Stapler at his head? When your boss asked you how your day is going did you stare, blink, stare and then walk-away without saying a word? Stop...think about it.

Sometimes we get so consumed in work and school that we forget to make time for ourselves - time for fun! And then we just go loopy. This week, plan a "vacation" - tropical, mental, whatever! Go to a concert, plan a road trip, check-out a new restaurant and if you're a baller, go to Belize or somethin' [you can send a ticket to my home address, thx].

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - this movie will never get old [nsfw - language]. "Sounds like somebody has a Case of the Mondays!"

COTM | Super Duper Tuesday!

Snappy Super Duper Tuesday....it's Monday!

Somebody L'eggo my Eggo and get me some Mrs. Butterworth's - I don't know what to do with myself this morning! Do you know what tomorrow is?! Do you have any clue what tomorrow means for the happiness and welfare of the United States?! Do you know what you have to do tomorrow?! February 5th is a day that will go down in history because February 5th is....

...the release of Taylor Dayne's new album Satisfied! Somebody get me another Eggo and some Aunt Jemima this time - I've been waiting for this moment since 1989. Oh I know what you're thinking, "Tell it to My Heart" was the JAM in '88, but no - you all are clearly sleepin' on "Love Will Lead You Back" - I played that at like 3 piano recitals and 5 talent shows no doubt. I didn't really master it until '91, but who's really keeping track. And don't get me started on "With Every Beat of my Heart." Hmm... I feel like I'm missing something.

...Oh yeah, and Super Tuesday is tomorrow. I'm sure I don't need to give you any incentives for coppin' the new Taylor Dayne Album...but Super Tuesday may require a bit of convincing so here goes. 5 reasons why you need to vote on the 5th - Super Tuesday [if it's poppin' in your state]...

• Knowledge: Let's be honest. You didn't know what Super Tuesday was until this election huh? You thought it meant 99 cent video rentals at Blockbuster didn't you? It's ok. How were we supposed to know the difference? We've been able to rent videos longer than we've been able to vote! Well now you know, so vote.
  

• Must See TV: Come on - don't you want to see how this one turns out? I'm more excited for Super Tuesday than I was for yesterday's Super Bowl. This is just as good as NBC Must See TV in the early '90s.Except Dwayne-Wayne and Whitley are no where in site.
  

• The View: If you don't vote, then you you don't have the right to complain for the next year. Because according to Sherri Shepherd [co-host of The View] the presidential term is 1 year. Oh - and she also thinks the Earth is flat and no one existed before Jesus.

• The Ads: More ads! If you vote, they're sure to come. Let's find out what folks truly stand for. Education or campaign smearing?! Health care or character defamation?! Vote for me 'cause I'm the 57th richest person in America. My name is Ross Perot and I can buy the United States. Oh, and I approve this message. BTW - where is that man?
  

• Privilege: Voting is not a given right in some countries. And even with the ability to vote, that doesn't mean that the outcome will be fair. I guess that's happened in the U.S. too but you get my point.
  

My advice? Vote! Simple as 1-2-3 Jell-O. And to be honest, it's just as tasty. Have you tasted voting before? Delish.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - I don't know why I'm giving her such a hard time. OK I know. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she made her first couple snafus, but now it's just gotten out of hand.

COTM | Tax Time!

Snip-Snax - get that Tax!

I know what's on your mind. I know you're thinking about next week and all the joys it may bring, but I need to redirect your thoughts. Oh sure, you're thinking about your chances of winning the MSNBC "Make Your Own Super Tuesday Political Campaign Ad", but I'm here to tell you that you lost because you forgot to play Josh Groban in the background and you carelessly left out the illustrious American Flag...so let's move on together shall we? Did I mention you didn't have any "African Children" [no specific country listed, just the entire continent it seems] singing along with Josh Groban? You should really try harder next time. No worries - there's always 2012.

So let's refocus for a moment and talk about what you've neglected for so long...your taxes! I know - it's a hassle, but ya gotsta do 'em! Let me give you some incentives. Here go a couple reasons why you should do your taxes...

• Lemme Hold a Dolla!: According to my boys Henry & Richard Bloch [known to you as H & R Block], 43 million Americans [1/3] didn't have to pay taxes after all deductions and credits. You may be one of 'em! I hope they take coupons!

• Pay Me!: Better yet, you might just get a refund. Matter 'fact, you could be getting that coveted $600 rebate in May. Buzz kill: If you make less than $3K/yr, are ridiculously wealthy, or on Social Security...well...way to be a team player but you don't make the cut. Lo siento!

• They're Watching You: The IRS audits about 1% of tax returns it receives every year. If you don't do 'em this year, me thinks they'd find a way to squeeze you into that 1%....even without your tax return.
  

• Tax Breaks: Some of you are doing big things and going green. For this, you can get a tax break! Yup! That sexy [not really] hybrid car that you bought last year?! Tax break! Geo-thermal heat pump? Break! Solar water heater? Cha-Ching!

• Ummm...: Yeah...it's probably the right thing to do. So until you make that move Bahrain [you can live with Michael Jackson!], Monaco, Vanuatu - or other tax havens, you'll be paying personal income tax.
  

I'm usually not a strong proponent of "the man," but all of this recent political coverage has me doing the right thing lately. Blast! So here's my advice for the week. Gather you materials to do your taxes [you don't have to do them this week...I know I'm not] and then once you do that, you can get back to all the political goodness!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS - hey, for $25,000 I would have done this rap in Portuguese.

COTM | MLK Day!

Snappy Martin Luther King Day!

OK, raise your hand if you have to work today....yup....just as I suspected. Most of you guys are at work! Whatever happened to taking the day off and remembering one of history's most influential people? When I was little we spent the entire day celebrating, educating, and remembering. When I was in Middle School we had a half day of school and that first half included some sort of Martin Luther King festivity. In college we had MLK luncheons, speakers series...and ski trips [I know...this one I could have left out]. And now I'm lucky if I hear "We Shall Overcome" being hummed on the street. I mean - I haven't even seen that cheesy McDonald's commercial with the birthday cake and blazing candles for Dr. King. For some reason it's so prominent as a student but not as a working professional. Well no worries - I have some ideas for all of you at work today...and some of you who don't have to work but would still like to remember this amazing man ...

• Serve: "Everybody can be great because everybody can serve" [MLK]. Find a service opportunity in your area - or create one. You don't have to go out and build a house today [maybe tomorrow??]. Just do something small that will make a big difference.
  

• Share:When I was in second grade we had to write an essay about what MLK means to us. I look back at that and think how great it would be to do that today [verbally of course, I'm SO over essays]. Talk to your friends and family about what he, his mission, and his family mean to you. Better yet - find a child to talk to - it's all about perspective and they're looking for it.
  

• Remember: Even if you work from 7 am to 7pm, find a few moments to remember the life, teachings, and influence of Dr. King. Read an excerpt, watch a video of one of his speeches, identify his presence in yourself and those around you.
  

• Celebrate: We all live throughout the United States, but each State has an official MLK celebration somewhere. For example, Tavis Smiley is at the Mpls Convention Center right now. Find a luncheon, parade, lecture ... something!

• Live: A couple years ago I had the chance to spend an afternoon with Yolanda King [when I was @ NBC]. Hearing about MLK from his own daughter was amazing to say the least, but hearing about how we all play a role in the human family was inspirational. Live in the human family ...think about it.
  

Whatever you do today, take a few moments to think about what today is all about. Then, think about what you're going to do to add to this great legacy...and then do it!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week! And Happy MLK Day!

p.s: Here's your MOS - so when I was little, I thought my Dad was Dr. King. He had this graduation picture from Med School that I compared to a picture of MLK and I was convinced they were the same person...or at least brothers. Very confusing time for me...

p.p.s: Check out the Google Image today. Love it!

COTM | Awards Shows

Snizzle Snazzle and all that Razzles - It's Monday!

So did anyone catch the Golden Globes last night? Oh, that's right. The Writer's Strike has Hollywood on lock! The 65th Annual Golden Globes was reduced to a press conference and Dateline junkets. Times are hard in Hollywood - they had to skip the pomp [ the red carpet ] and circumstance [$50,000 gowns] and get straight to the point [ the "winners"]...hmm...I could get used to this! Pretty soon they'll be texting the results with links to the actors' IMDB

I've never really been into awards shows. Unless they have to do with music, in which case I'm SO there. Maybe I refrain from watching because I think they're a bit biased [umm....how come The Kite Runner and Love in the Time of Cholera didn't win anything?! Not even for their music compositions?!] Maybe I don't watch 'em because they're like 3 days long. And I just ain't got time for that - unless it's a 3-day Law & Order marathon in which case I'm totally committed.

Golden Globes? Booorrring. Academy Awards? Yaaawwn. People's Choice Awards? Didn't chose ME. Let's make up our own awards shall we?!
profiles.

• Adult Content in Cartoon Form Awards: The Boondocks, Family Guy, Afro Samurai, South Park, The Simpsons - they all deserve their own venue, truly. And yes - I said Afro Samurai. I borrowed the DVD from my Dad if anyone wants to watch it.
  

• Best & Worst Pick-Up Lines Awards: We can start with Chocolate Twankies and end with one of these. "Let's make like fabric softener and Snuggle"??? Wow. Just...wow.
  

• The Cool Politician Awards: This one would be based on a combination of fashion sense, dance ability, knowledge of pop culture, and of course - foreign & domestic policy.
  

• Video Vixen Awards: You can rename this as you see fit. Those girls put in "work" and all they have to show for it is a 1-hour VH1 special on "Video Honeys." Fooorrr shame.

• Best Food in the Whole Wide World Awards: this one just gives me a reason to eat....a lot. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich - no mayo!
  

Lately it seems like movies, shows & music are made for notoriety & fame instead of goodness & entertainment. My advice for the week? Do something award-worthy - out of the goodness of your heart. You may not win a fancy-shmancy statue, but you'll probably win some appreciation from those around you.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS [nsfw] - and we haven't heard from Isaiah Washington since. Looks like he may have to go back to " African-American Cinema."