COTM | Vote or Sleep

Snaporama it's Monday!

I'm glad so many of you enjoyed my Chocolate Twinkie story from last week. That's true schadenfreude: laughing at my expense. You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Velvety soft, velvety soft.

Well enough of the foolishness! It's time for some biz-naz. By show of hands how many of you saw the CNN/YouTube Democratic Debate last week? Really?! Only that many huh. Well if you don't feel like clicking the video link above, I'll break it down for you below and highlight the important aspects of each candidate...

• Senator Chris Dodd [D-Connecticut]: He wore a dark gray/taupe??? suit with a navy and white polka-dot tie. Serious faux pas. Aside from that, he had a great analysis of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath. "I believe that had this occurred to major/my population, we would have seen a more rapid response and a more consistent response to that issue..." Well said, polka-dot man, well said.
  

• Senator Barack Obama [D-Illinois]: Obama is the political version of Billy Dee Williams with his unprecedented swagger. He's on the cover of VIBE magazine for pete's sake. Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Oh - and he's fighting for better public school systems nationwide and increasing minimum wage.
  

• Congressman Dennis Kucinich [D-Ohio]: Gay Marraige...check. No more funding for the war?...check. Reparations for African-Americans?...check. Green?...check. Anderson Cooper joked that he can't get any more left than he is now. I'd go a step further and say he's definitely left-handed too.
  

• John Edwards: Other than being Tom Cruise's better looking older brother, he doesn't believe in reparations for African-Americans. But does believe in equal mortgage payments. I guess it's a start. But can I get a mortgage?! Can I hold a dolla?!
  

• Senator Hilary Clinton [D-New York]: Was she wearing the peach drapes from my grandma's reading room?! Hilary give those back! And she done put some shoulder pads in 'em too. Sigh. Jokes aside, her smooth-talkin' makes those drapes look like cashmere. She had some powerful words on bringing the U.S. troops home, being a female candidate, diplomacy...
  

• Mike Gravel: Sorry Mike. I have no idea who you are. I mean, you seem like a nice old man. I'd totally accept some Werther's Caramel Hard Candy from you, but...next...
  

• Senator Joe Biden [D-Delaware]: Amazing dental work. This man's a comedian. He should be on Comedy Central. But in 1600 Pennsylvania?....weellll...
  

• Bill Richardson [D-New Mexico]: He mentioned stopping predatory lending to folks coming back to NOLA and letting original residents come back first. Ummm....too late. Land is purchased, businesses are built, and ownership of the city has changed hands. So now what?
  

I know there aren't enough minutes in the day to research the details on each and every candidate, but we should do our best. So my advice for this week is: read-up on as much as you can - candidates, issues, political fashion faux pas, etc....it's our future!

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS - this is good stuff. I shouldn't be so hard on Bush. I'm sure if you compiled all the video clips of my verbal mishaps, you'd have a blockbuster movie - trilogy perhaps.

p.p.s: The CNN/YouTube Republican Debate is on September 17th, 2007.

COTM | Chocolate Twinkies

Snip-Snap, Monday is BACK!

You know, this morning I was all ready to touch on politics again: Obama, Mariane Pearl's lawsuit against al Qaeda (you can do that?!?!), the recent split of the once-joint Israeli-Palestinian Sesame Street TV program [click "Holy Land"], the declining U.S. Dollar, and things of that nature. But folks, there are other issues in life that deserve attention...such as the game that some fellas try to spit...ineffective game that is.

Now I'm no critic - I'll take a compliment where I can get it, but lately I feel like guys [the ones that walk up to me] say to themselves "forget effort, imma liken her to my favorite food...like chocolate...or cornbread....or a mocha choco frappe with a shot of soy." Now I know some of you heard this story a couple years ago, but just like Ike Turner's career, it deserves to be resurrected...I guess. So here goes...

I was walking to my car from work and spotted a couple of young men tossing the football around outside of their office building or as they called it, a "mortgage company." They said 'hi' and I said 'hi' and the rest of the conversation went a little something like this...

Man #1 [he looked kinda like this]: Ay gurl, what's good with ya?

Man #2 [he looked kinda like this ]: Whatup Ma?

Me: Nothing much how are you two doing?

Man #1: Ooooooo-wwwee! Man-o-man! You always looking so RIGHT!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant piece of church's chicken].

Me: What?

Man #2: Looks like you've been eating some cornbread 'cause you've got curves in ALL the right places!
[looking me up and down as though I'm a giant side of potato salad...or cornbread]

Man #1: Guuurl. Yo skin is so soft. You know what you remind me of? mmmm-MMM!

Me: Do I want to know?

Man #1: You remember those limited edition chocolate Twinkies they released for that summer like 10...15 years ago? Velvety chocolate on the outside and creme filling? You know what I'm talking about? The ones you could only get at Sam's Corner Store or the Northside YMCA? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Me: [looking at him with disappointment, yet recognition 'cause yes....I DID know what he was talking about] Umm....yeah.....wait....I remind you of a CHOCOLATE TWINKIE???
[thinking to myself, dam-nat...dam-nat!]

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

SILENCE
[both of them looking me up and down as though I was the first female and/or real meal they saw after being released from serving a 20 year sentence in Rikers.]

Me: Umm....well you two have a good day...I gotta go.

Man #1: Chocolate Twankie gurl, CHOCOLATE TWANKIE!!!

Man #2: Velvety soft, velvety soft.

*The End*

A chocolate Twinkie? For real?! I was so appalled that when someone likened me to a Hershey Kiss I thought it wasn't so bad 'cause it wasn't a chocolate Twinkie . For shame. Well here's my advice for the week: Refrain from comparing a woman to a confectionery item...even if it's as tasty as a chocolate Twinkie.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s : Here's your MOS. I consider it schadenfreude 'cause I'm about to purchase the entire 1st season on DVD...and you should feel bad for me. Unless of course, you'd like to join me?!

p.p.s : So my phone broke and I lost all of my numbers. Please send me your digits so I can just call to say I love you:)

COTM | My New Job

Snap-o-rama & Greetings to ya on this Monday Morn'!

So, I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow-up (shhh...not a word). You see, I need some spice in my life. So I've been thinking about trying something different - throwing caution...and my college degrees to the wind and doing something unconventional.

So I perused Career Builder's list of the 20 Oddest Jobs. I seriously considered job # 6: a Doll Doctor. Ok, this is probably WAY easier than being a real doctor...and requires less training. And if a doll is missing an eyeball or foot or something, it's not as hard to replace as it is on a real person. And don't even get me started on all the money I'd save on medical malpractice insurance. Then I thought about job #19 - being an Ethnographer. But the word alone is daunting and makes me think I'd have to use my brain big time to be a good one. So then I finally settled on being a Foley Artist [job #9] - they "use random items...to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps..." Ahhh...I've found my passion. But you know, I'd rather make the sounds and music for commercials - smaller projects are better for me. Baby steps, baby steps.

Have you noticed that commercials today have amazing music? Forget the radio. I would totally love to create the music that accompanies a popular commercial...say....a Cialis commercial. Those are always touching. Yup - that's what I'm going to do. Pretty soon you'll be able to brag about the song in the background of that Preparation H commercial: "oh yeah - my girl AO did that song...yeah...Preparation H with Aloe....mhmm...no kidding. So talented."

So let me give you a sample of what you can expect from me pre-tty soon. 'Cause I'm about to make moves. These are my favs right about now. The music that accompanies the commercial is simply ingenious. I've included the artists with the commercial so you can go and illegally download them like I know you will...you pirates.

• Geico | Royskopp "Remind Me"

• Reeses Peanut Butter Cups | Chromeo "Needy Girl"
  
  
• Ariston Aqualtis | Stina Nordestam & Caroline Lavelle "Ask the Mountains"

• Buick Enclave | Oleta Adams "Feeling Good"

• Journey Diamond Jewelry | Laura Fygi "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" - this is just a link to the song.

• Apple iPod & iTunes | Nicodemus ft. Quantic "Mi Swing Es Tropical"
  

I can see it now. Just me and my award for best television ad in the category of medicated wipes. Mmm - success. Here's my advice for the week, no matter how different they may be, follow your dreams. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS...I know...it's an oldie, but goodie.

COTM | The Purple One

Snappiness & Greetings to ya on this Monday Morn!

So how many of you got married on 7/7/7?! No? Did you go to a wedding? Well I was at a wedding of sorts. One of the most joyous day of my life, in fact. And the most touching and lasting words I heard on 7/7/7 were, "Dearly Beloved....we are gathered here today....to get through this thing called life" - but these words didn't come from a priest, but close...They came from the love of my life, Prince Rogers Nelson as he performed his timeless intro to "Let's Go Crazy" from Purple Rain.


That's right, 7/7/7 was Prince Day in Minnesota and I went to his private afternoon concert at Macy's as well as the big one at the Target Center. It rained purple. It was the most magical day of my life. And then the clock struck 12, the concert ended, my Prince disappeared, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin and the rest of the night went downhill - but let's not talk about that. Let's reflect on the good times that Prince and I had (yes, in my mind it was just the two of us). I'm devoting this COTM to The Purple One. Let's recap and talk about why Prince may very well be the best entertainer in all the land.

• Outfits: I stopped counting after outfit number 5. But I must say that magenta never looked so good. Neither has white, teal, orange, and mother of pearl.
  

• Albums: He's *almost* made an album for every year of his life. Now that's skill...and dedication.

• Hair: All that performing and he didn't sweat his hair out. Dark n' Lovely ain't no joke folks. His hair is luxurious.
  

• Personalized Shirts: I haven't seen so many homemade t-shirts since puff paints and airbrushing were popular in the early 90s. My favorite were two girls who wore powder blue shirts that read, "Cleanse yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka" [good look Rach!]

• 3121 Perfume: Some of you have heard me say that it interestingly yet not surprisingly smells like a combination of Brut, gumdrops, and @$$. But on Saturday we met Larry...the man behind the fragrance. And he asked me for my honest opinion. And I said, "well...it sure smells like Prince." And I feel bad for making fun of his brainchild. So now I'll just say that it smells like Brut & gumdrops...with a touch of Peruvian Rainforest.
  

• Sheila E: Need I say more?

• Wendy & Lisa: Um...need I say more?

• Princesses: Where there is a prince, there is a princess. And many women believed that they were princesses on Saturday. In full garb, women wore purple capes, formal Cinderella gowns, boas, and the like....most of these women did not, however, look quite like princesses. Wearing a pair of gray Asics kind of takes away from the glamour of the outfit.
  

• Purple Prince 3121 Wristbands: I'm still wearing mine.
  

• Commitment: He performed 3 different times on Saturday...and didn't stop 'til the Minneapolis police shut him down!

Sigh. Prince is one beautiful woman. lol - j/k. He makes me so happy. If you remember nothing but one thing from this week's COTM, remember this: If you let him, Prince will change your life. Somebody give me an infomercial.

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Here's your MOS. It's the Prince skit from Chapelle's Show [nsfw] - to be honest, the only reason why it's this week's MOS is 'cause I couldn't fit it in anywhere else. I have yet to figure out the Schadenfreude involved...perhaps the gratuitous use of Lycra and velvet?

p.p.s: If you don't know much about Prince, please... familiarize yourself. There'll be a test.

p.p.p.s: Rach, Eduardo, Lindz, Mariam & Abdul....I had SO much fun with you guys. We must do this again...say...8/8/8?!

COTM | Why?....WHY?!

Snip-Snap Happy Monday!

Is it July already? But summer just started like 10 days ago! Well, for all you Minnesota folks I guess it's about time to get ready for that first snowstorm. Enjoy the weather while it lasts.

Well this week is going to be a mash-up...seeing as July 4th falls on a Wednesday and what-not. You see, holidays distract me. And don't even get me started on Bastille Day - I cant get anything done. It's like nailing Jell-o to a wall. Sigh. Does this mean I slack today and tomorrow....or Thursday and Friday? Hmmm....let's shoot for all week. Yeah...that sounds good. Well here are a few very profound
things to think about - one for every day of the week 'cause I know you'll be slacking with me;-)

• Sweet Sixteen Update: Remember Audry (Aubry? Audra?) from last week. Yeah - the ungrateful one? Well you'll be delighted to know that her mom returned the new Lexus...and then bought her the one she wanted in the right color/specs....and then her brother totaled it....and then her mom bought her an Infinity G35...and the world kept turning although it should have stopped.
  

• Jennifer Holliday & Jennifer Hudson: The original Effie from Dreamgirls...and the new Effie.
  
  
  
  This mess was better than VH1's Divas Live. If you only have a few moments to watch this, please fast-forward to 2:11 ... "Aaannnd IIII aaammmm telling you!" - it'll make....your.....day. Jennifer Holliday looked at Jennifer Hudson like, "Look here little girl - you BEST leggo my eggo and hand me some Mrs.Butterworths now!"
  

• Paris Hilton: I'm not going to comment on this. Yes I am. I was only able to watch about 3.5 minutes of her interview with Larry King. Their voices together were like a sweet, sweet horrific lullaby that rocked me right to sleep. But honestly though, the only thing less intelligent than the words coming out of Paris' mouth were the words coming out of Larry Kings' mouth. I've never seen an interview so dumbed-down before: "do you think you'd be a load for someone right now?...do you think you've found yourself?...what don't you like about Paris Hilton?....are you going to go to mass?" - wait Larry, you canceled Michael Moore for this? For shame.

• Soul Glo: So random, but I had to share. Angel, thank you for finding this song for me 'cause 24 hours of searching is far to long this day and age. If you are a product of the 80s, you'll appreciate it. But take note: Language = NSFW [not suitable for work]. Save this one for lata. It's a keeper. Go ahead and file it under "all kinds of wrong." And that picture of DeBarge?!....luv it...
  

• Music Remixes: Now you all know that I live and breathe music (shout-out to the folks on my Wilin' out Wednesdays e-mail list). And here's me being old again. Now, I don't mind it when some rapper from Tuscaloosa, Alabama named Lil Buck Teeth releases a remix of Tina Turner's Private Dancer (fictitious example - but not far fetched)....but when it's completely WACK I take offense. And when folks don't know the original version, it irks me just as much, if not more than the word "irk." So here's an example of a remix done right. Kanye West remixing/collabo with one of my favorite 90s Daft Punk songs: Stronger. Headbanger, no doubt. Although it has been remixed more times than The Isley Brothers "Between the Sheets," but I digress.
  

Hmm...since this week's COTM is kind of random, so is my advice for the week. It's wedding season, so here's some advice from a child named Alan (random website) on how to decide who to marry: "you got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Words of wisdom, words of wisdom.

Have a great week!

p.s: Speaking of music remixes, I'm going to present your MOS is picture form. I usually stay away from helpless children....but this one was just too easy. Guess whose child this is. Hint: He has remixed his look so many times over the years that when my mom saw him on TV she said, "Oh sweet Jesus. Who is that ugly woman?!"

Answer: "Blanket" - Michael Jackson's son Prince Michael Jackson II